Friday, December 12, 2008

Holiday Hodge-Podge

Has anyone seen the movie "Away from Her?" Good LORD...cut me open, pluck out my heart, slap it a few times on the pavement like a wet towel, and hang it back in my ribcage. True, heartbreaking art. Bring your Kleenexes.

Does anyone have any good Christmas cookie recipes? I love almond paste, chocolate & mint combos, and peppermint.

Every morning on my way from the parking ramp to my office I walk by a 'dry' night club for teens. The windows are scribbled with various colorful messages advertising specials, events, etc. Frequently, they are hilariously misspelled. Today "Ladies' night" had three lines drawn through it; a new note had been written above: "Every 10th person gets in free!" Now I'm trying to imagine the young man who bitched about ladies' night being unfair to guys. Something tells me he practices dance moves in front of his bedroom mirror. I'm also guessing he was quite the playground tattletale in elementary school. I fear for his future colleagues.

Last night I left to meet some friends for happy hour, calling D to confirm the location because I am a space cadet and forgot. After I asked D replied, "Um, we're meeting NEXT Thursday. But at least you're not at the bar already, waiting." Because yes, I did that last winter. Have I mentioned I'm a space cadet?

So J and I decided to go to dinner instead. On the way there, we listened to the Ben Merens show on Wisconsin Public Radio. The theme was good holiday reads (or something like that, we were jabbering on and didn't hear), and all of a sudden I heard "polycystic kidney disease, and it's about a roadtrip. It's heartbreaking and also hilarious." I screamed, and it turns out my friend Hope called into the show to recommend my book. Squee for Hope!! Her birthday is the day after Christmas. Happy birthday!!! Sometimes I hear her husband calling in on the WPR morning shows, and it always makes me smile. Especially when I hear their little girl babbling in the background.

And, as promised, a few more anonymous college journal entries. Funny, sad, poignant, cringe-inducing, ironic, titillating, always revealing:

"If that goddamn car of his doesn't get fixed then this relationship will be over sooner than planned."

"Ew! Ew! Ew! Bailey has herpes! My f*cking roommate has herpes! I'm so grossed just freaks me out. I better not get it. I don't think I can. I'm almost positive I can't unless we have 'contact,' which I won't."

"So I'm 19. No different. Getting older sucks. I didn't believe those words when I was younger. But they held true. I don't regret my life one bit."

"She's a ho who is doing a 34 year old. Good luck."

"To his credit, he was completely hammered."

"I am crabby and these two kids who sit in front of me are annoying the shit out of me. One girl is bragging that she only wore a sweatshirt to class. I hope she gets frost bite and is unable to speak. She obviously was not hugged enough as a little girl."

"I finally brought a b*tch back. I don't even remember her name, but oh well, it was a great f*ck. I woke up this morning and she wasn't even in bed with me. She used me. AWESOME. I love getting used."

"I'm going to hook him up with one of the girls I know. She's too ugly for me to f*ck, and I know Chase will f*ck anything that walks. As long as he get his nut, he's happy."

"To make a long sotry short, we started kissing, kissing turned into touching, and touching turned into penetration. I regret that night, but regrets are just reminders of our mistakes. I don't think anything like that will happen again. I was a thief. She was a virgin."

"I really want to be an author, interior designer, coach, wedding planner, or a photographer, it's hard to tell."

"I'm starting to realize that a lot of college girls are quite slutty. Not that I'm complaining, but even I get sick of the one night stands. I really hope I can find just one decent girl on campus."

"I called my teacher for alcohol class. Wow, does he seem like an a$$hole! What do you expect, though, he's there to punish us for what we've done and 'educate' uus about our 'problem.' How about this: I don't have a 'problem.' I drink for fun."

"Today I had two exams and was raped by both. :("

"I really wanna strangle my sister. First off, why did I get stuck being a twin? Second, why is she so much smarter? So I'm the dumba$$ f*ckup of a daughter and my twin is amazing! You watch, I'm going to kill that B*TCH and solve all my problems. Peace, Magz."

"I have a 5-7 pg research paper coming up. I'm doing it on Charles Manson and his awesomely f*cked up life. Hope it goes well."

"I had Chinese again tonite and I wanna kill myself. LOL. I'm getting too fat! I repulse myself. :( I gotta lose weight so my boyfriend doesn't puke. I used to weigh 115 lbs and now I weigh 125 lbs."

"I wish I could fast forward my life."


  1. hee hee hee...Did you get my text? You crack me up.

  2. From the Chicago Trib, a recipe I made last year for a Christmas Cookie exchange. They are basically homemade Girl Scout Thin Mints. Kind of a b!tch to make with the ganache and dipping and all, but you get like 100 cookies out of it, so sort of worth it. : )


    Makes 100

    10 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened

    1 cup sugar

    1 egg

    1 teaspoon each vanilla and peppermint extract

    1 1/2 cups flour

    5 tablespoons Dutch-process cocoa powder

    1/2 teaspoon baking soda

    1/8 teaspoon salt

    Mint ganache (recipe follows)

    Chocolate coating (recipe follows)

    1. Fluff: In the bowl of an electric mixer, cream butter and sugar until pale and fluffy. Mix in egg, then extracts.

    2. Mix: Sift together dry ingredients. Add to the butter mixture. Mix thoroughly.

    3. Chill: Shape into 4 disks. Wrap in plastic and chill at least 2 hours.

    4. Roll: Working on a well-floured surface, roll out one dough disk 1/8 thin. Stamp with a round cookie cutter.

    5. Bake: Settle rounds on a parchment-lined baking sheet, 1 inch apart. Prick each with a fork. Slide into a 350-degree oven and bake until set, 10-12 minutes. Cool.

    6. Fill: Pile ganache into a resealable plastic bag. Snip one corner. Squeeze a squiggle of mint ganache down the center of each cookie. Let set.

    7. Coat: Scrape chocolate coating into a shallow bowl. Hold 1 cookie by its edges between thumb and index finger. Dip, ganache- side down, in coating. Flip cookie and set it on its flat side. Repeat. Chill. Serve cold or room temperature.


    Chop 1 pound semi-sweet chocolate. Scrape into a medium bowl. Bring 1 cup heavy cream to a boil. Pour hot cream over chocolate. Let sit a few minutes. Stir smooth. Add 1 teaspoon peppermint extract. Let cool.


    Chop 1 pound bittersweet chocolate. Melt over low heat with 2 tablespoons vegetable oil. Cool slightly.

    --Adapted from Angel Food Bakery, 1636 W. Montrose Ave.

  3. Anonymous3:52 PM

    That is hilarious stuff--college is a really messed up period, isn't it?

  4. Holy hell-they think thirty-four is ancient AND THATS HOW OLD I AM! Kids these days...;)

  5. First, Jen Lancaster has a post up in which people are leaving cookie recipes in the comments. It's up to about 150 now. Should be something in there you'll like. : )

    Y'know, while these college student entries are hilarious, the attitude about girls from these guys scares me.

  6. Anonymous12:59 PM

    Wow, what timing -- you turn on the radio, and there they are talking about your book. That has to feel good. Hope it got a few more sales. :-)

    As for the journal entries, hilarious! Makes me want to mine my own.

    Oh, and recipes. I worship Amazing. You'll find what you need on there, I bet.

  7. Those lines are so hilarious. I bet a younger iteration of myself might have even said one or two of them.

  8. Some of those lines crack me up, and some are so sad they make you want to cry. Sigh.