Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I'll take my corn creamed, thank you

So Saturday we went to a friend’s wedding reception, which was lovely. Everything about it was lovely, except my hair, because India’s monsoons were blown off course this weekend and made landfall on my head, and also in a multi-county area in southwestern Wisconsin. The Governor declared a state of emergency, and now I’ll never get these flashing orange highway barrels out of my hair.

Here’s another thing that wasn’t so lovely about it: I ate corn on the cob in public. Yes! Voraciously, too. Because at one point I happened to look down at my chest (which, I’m not really all that prone to do at random intervals, as it’s pretty much a straight view to the ground; my sister was born with all the interesting topography in the family) so anyway, I glance down at my chest and am HORRIFIED to discover that my corn-on-the-cob ingestion has been so enthusiastic that I actually sprayed starchy juice all over the area where a bib or nice medallion should have gone. Just call me Typewriter Teeth.

Oh, but that wasn’t the least lovely part of all. Later that evening, droplets of corn juice still glistening on my chest, tidbits of kernel likely lodged in my molars, I stepped up to a live microphone with two pals (one new, one old, both likely annoyed) to sing every word from Don McLean’s “American Pie” to a hapless crowd of strangers who are now probably in line at the audiologist, still openly weeping. Later, I launched into a toneless rendition of Aretha Franklin’s “Think.” I should have taken her advice before publicly shaming myself in such fashion.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the evening’s details; let’s just say they involved Burger King, hydroplaning, a wrong turn or two, and yes, multiple colors of wine, I’m sure you’ll be shocked to hear.

But my goal today is to share a cherished childhood memory with you, as captured by the magic of Kodachrome. May I introduce to you 3-D Night--1982?
Please don’t adjust your monitors; that spectral glow truly is the color of my forehead. My mom, brother, and I are about to watch The Creature from the Black Lagoon scissor-kick into our living room courtesy of these stylish, cutting-edge cardboard spectacles I brutally forced upon my family in a fit of second grade despotism. (The side-effects of vertigo and blindness were only temporary.) I especially like the wacky yellow rolling high-chair that I seem to be wearing as a hat.

This Friday I’ll be posting at The Debs. Could be a great kick-off to the last full weekend in August, but I’m not making any promises.


  1. Anonymous10:10 PM

    Don't be mad but I thought that thing on your head WAS a hat. And then I thought, this bitch is off the HOOK.

  2. Your baby brother has a 'WTF' look on his face. I like the imagine that he's wondering why he's being subjected to this Black Lagoon madness when all he really wants is to watch The Count with his wacky accent on Sesame Street.

  3. Good grief. I can't write a sentence to save my life. I meant to write that I like TO imagine that he's wondering... blah blah...

  4. I also thought the "wacky yellow rolling high-chair" was a hat at first. LOL! Whatever happened to the fun 3-D movie adventures of yesteryear? Do they still make 3-D movies?

  5. *snort* Typewriter Teeth. That's why I don't eat corn on the cob in public. I have a hard time eating it in front of my family, for chrissake.

  6. Anonymous7:07 PM

    One of the lunches at BlogHer '07 involved BBQ (which I don't eat) and corn on the cob (which I eat only in the privacy of my own home, with a side of dental floss). I filled up on dessert (in lieu of wine, of course).

  7. Anonymous8:58 PM

    Oh, Lordy. I remember watching the same movie on TV in the early 80s. I think we got the glasses from the convenience store or something. There was this huge promotion. . .It's all coming back to me now.

    I avoid cobbed corn, too, because I'm doomed to a week of constant flossing. I probably could smuggle tiny classified documents between my teeth.

  8. Wine of multiple colors.

    Who'd of thunk?

    I'm sure American Pie was fabulous. I mean, it is American Pie and like one of the best songs ever, kind of hard to mess it up, right?


  9. I think you should belt out Miss American Pie at all your book signing events. (Secretly, I think everyone should, but you have experience now and can get this party started...)

    "Took my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry.."

    (is that how you spell levy?)

  10. My first thought, why is she wearing that goofy hat? I never eat corn on the cob unless I'm carrying a toothbrush and toothpaste. Really.

    You triggered a memory: My sister-in-law got married during a hurricane. All of the women at the church and reception looked like cats right out of the bathtub. The photos were horrible.

  11. Anonymous9:11 PM

    The only thing that could have made the karaoke better is if you had also been wearing the 3D glasses.
    No baby yet, huh?

  12. i'll bring my karoake machine to all of your book signings in the midwest. we'll be quite a hit with "proud mary," "pour some sugar on me" and "i want to know what love is..." little did you know, i can be quite the aggressor/touchy-feely person when it comes to sales. sales is the game and shana is my name.

    wait... you wanted to sell books, right?

  13. Oh dear me! The hat line caused lunchal aspiration. Also the blindness and vertigo thing totally struck home - I could never ever wear those daggone glasses because of my peculiar vision issues.

    A rainbow of wine - what a nice thought. Mmmmm.

    Have a wondrous weekend!

  14. Anonymous11:42 AM

    I admit, when I'm in public and faced with corn on a cob... I ask for a knife. And I cut it off. It's the only civilized thing for a slob like me to do.


    It's not pretty.

  15. Brings back fond memories...of weddings and 3D movie nights.

  16. Heh. That is a quintessentially seventies picture. From the colors, to the glasses, to that slightly creepy looking high chair on wheels...

    I could probably dig up one or two photos that might convince you we were related. ;)

  17. I love the fact that your mom put 3-D glasses on a two year-old baby and settled down for an evening of Black Lagoon. Now THAT'S a fun mom!

  18. Oh, my.... That poor baby. LOL!

  19. "Burger King, hydroplaning, a wrong turn or two, and yes, multiple colors of wine," HHAA!! Sorry...

    and 1982??? I wasn't even born yet. I was too. I just like to say that I wasn't.

    I LOVE corn on the cob. And I MISS CORN FROM BACK THERE LIKE CRAZY!!!! Although, in the morning, I usually look in the toilet and think, "Why do we eat corn again?"

  20. I remember making my dad take us to see Creature from the Black Lagoon in the theater right around that same time! So cool.

    BTW, I have such an overbite that I can't fully clamp down on the corn, and always leave an uneaten row. Watching me eat corn on the cob is not pretty.