Tuesday, January 15, 2008

My Dog is Totally Snoring Right Now

Wow. Guess what came in the mail today? No, not the exploding gum I ordered from the back of that old Pope John Paul II comic book…my galleys! Or as the cover calls them, “Advance Uncorrected Proofs.”

I did the correcting over the holidays, and today there were still about ten last-minute questions in my inbox from my copyeditor extraordinaire. Here are two of my favorites:

Me, being a smartass in the book: “...a level of irrationality even ‘Crack is whack’ Whitney Houston would frown at.”

Proofreader: Should that be “...even Whitney ‘Crack Is Whack’ Houston...”?

Me, still being a smartass in another place in the book: “Whatever happened to Scott Baio?”

Proofreader: Baio has recently been featured on a reality show so you may want to choose another has-been.

So I’m going with Danny Pintauro. Please don’t tell me he was just nominated for a Tony or some such shit.

Also, I have been given the opportunity to write my own author bio for the inside back flap of the book. So far, I’m thinking “Jess Riley…not an asshole most of the time” has a nice ring to it.

Do you see how I’m swearing more in this post? Guess why! No, really. Guess. If you said it’s because I had another workplace interaction with Ms. Crawled from a Pore on Satan’s Butt, you’re right! Give yourself fifty points and kiss a mirror.

Today, she cautioned me against using some of her trade secrets in my work on other possibly competing projects. Which, um, I have my own trade secrets and work processes that over the years, have proven quite successful. Thus, I’m not going to poach your little trade secrets, Miss Pore Thingie. So after I was warned as such, she said to me, “Now repeat back what I just told you.”

Right. Like this is kindergarten and I’m the booger eater in the back row. Later, I heard rustling noises as she spoke, and this was because she was putting on her Crazy Hat to completely contradict something she’d said earlier.

Okay, now I feel bad. “Jess Riley…sometimes an asshole when deeply affected by a work-related incident.”

“The author feels bad about this—as bad as she feels for inadvertently poaching that batch of sea monkeys on a hot July windowsill way back when.”


  1. another favorite whitney houston comment of mine is "hell to the no!"

    haha. tia...likes to laugh at the expense of others to deflect attention from her own faults. that's what MY author bio would say.

  2. Anonymous8:56 AM

    Oh no she didn't! What a tool!

  3. Yesterday was a day for workplace stupidity. I had many such incidents myself! I was so annoyed by the time I got home I almost had a fight with my husband.

  4. Ah.
    I remember that.
    I remember sitting next to the kid who ate glue.
    I remember the sweet Xmas present he got me, a sweet Rambo action figure, with purple mohawk, and sweet quick draw rifle action!
    I also remember after receiving that present, letting him take an occasional swig outta my glue when he ran out of his own.
    What I don't remember is this kid's name.
    It probably started with a J.

  5. Anonymous10:25 AM

    "she said to me, “Now repeat back what I just told you.” "

    And this is where you look confused and say (kind of loudly), 'Um. This is embarrassing. For both of us, I guess. But mostly for you. You didn't actually say anything. I thought maybe you farted, but maybe you made that noise with your mouth instead. Anyway. I'm not repeating fart noises. Sorry."

    What a twit.

  6. no way.

    I can't wait to get your book, because you crack me up on a regular basis.

    Who's Danny Pintauro?

  7. I like what Very Contrary suggested. Although I'd probably just have burst into tears. Because I am awesome.

  8. I'm not sure "Wack" should be capitalized...

    Can't wait to read your book, regardless of what the author bio implies about your assholicness in various situations :)

  9. Anonymous6:06 PM

    Danny Pintauro = you are hilarious.

    Trade secrets? Puh-leeze.

    I've seen Scott Baio's reality show and it still made me wonder whatever happened to him.

    Still can't wait to read your book!

  10. OMG I am still laughing!!!
    I had a supervisor that chastised me and when I told her "I'll try harder next time"
    Said "That's just not good enough."

    And she wasn't kidding...

  11. OMG I am still laughing!!!
    I had a supervisor that chastised me and when I told her "I'll try harder next time"
    Said "That's just not good enough."

    And she wasn't kidding...

  12. Anonymous9:35 PM

    That's insane. She wanted you to repeat her words back at her? Is she delusional? Is she ninety years old? Did you recently go deaf and not share that fact with us? Or is there some other issue?

    Have fun with the galleys. Seems so many blogging authors have been receiving them lately.

  13. "repeat back"? "REPEAT BACK"?!

    Did you laugh? I don't think I would've been able to help myself. Because THAT is even more WHACK than Whitney Houston.

  14. I wish you would have said "hell to the no" when she asked you to repeat back to her what she said.
    Danny Pintauro was the little blond twerp with latent homosexual tendencies on "Who's the Boss?", right?
    I'm so embarrassed that I know that.

  15. This >>Proofreader: Baio has recently been featured on a reality show so you may want to choose another has-been.<< made me laugh my ass off. Well, not literally. That would be rather unfortunate. How would I sit?

  16. Oh for pete's sakes... "Advance Uncorrected Proofs"? Will this project never end?!!!

  17. Okay, I've been away awhile but I'm going to have to dig in your archives for more info on Ms. Crawled from a Pore on Satan’s Butt.

    She sounds too good to be true.

  18. heh. today mitt romney was on tv, shown hissing at a staffer, "do you understand my words?"

    i think he and your coworker, MCFAPOSB, would get along nicely, don't you?

  19. Lift your chin and smile wide!
    Your ARCs are in and no one can take that moment of excitement away from yah, errors aside.

    P.S. Mine arrived yesterday :)

  20. You're being a very naughty girl right now. LOL! This was hilarious.

  21. I love your editor!

    Um, and I totally want you to update your masthead to say your book is coming in the SPRING Of 2008, because I'm evil and anal like that.

  22. Hey hey congrats. Exciting times. I don't know if I feel better or worse that I'm not getting uncorrected proofs. Better because I won't see those "how could I have missed them goofs." Worse because I won't see those "how could I have missed them goofs."


  23. I don't care if Scott Baio is on the nightly news. He still is and always will be a has-been.

    Hi Jess. I'm up early trying not to think about the fact that I'm going to be standing outside tonight at Lambeau when it's below zero. I must be insane. Go Pack.

    Anyway, thanks for taking my mind off the cold.

    I'm excited to see your pub date. Gosh, that means I can pre-order your book!!!! You must be so stoked about this.

    Have a great week!

  24. OMG I just watched (5 minutes) that reality show. It was really sad. Serves Scott right for not answering my love letter to him I sent when I was 9. Bastard!
    At work we have to sign all doctors orders with T.O.R.B. Telephone Order Read Back, because us nurses are so retarded we have to read back what the doc told us to make sure we got it right. Bastards!

  25. For the record- Scott Baio is still a has been. And it isn't because I too am bitter that he never wrote me back during his ChaChi days.

  26. Anonymous1:43 PM

    ...so you may want to choose another has-been.

    Ouch! Poor Scott.