Wednesday, March 04, 2009

No Pain, No Gain....Um, Right?

Thanks for the love, everyone. I am still shuffling around doing the Funky Invalid (hey, could be the latest dance craze). Not very fond of my pain meds, as they allow my bowels to express themselves about as freely as a gay democracy activist in China.

Free Tibet!

But I digress. Have I mentioned how much I miss fried foods? I did break down yesterday and ate two homemade pierogies fried in butter and doused in sour cream (thanks to the best MIL ever!). I'm back on the high fiber train now, but still--the inactivity + pain, they are doing scary things to my food processing system. I fear that I may....oh, this is embarrassing....have my first hemorrhoid.

I haven't looked, mind you. I am a galloping mess downstairs and am preferring to keep all reflective devices far away from said area. So, perhaps I'm overreacting. (Not me, right?)

So while my insides knit themselves back together, I'm watching too much television (I believe I've now seen every episode of Throwdown with Bobby Flay) and I've just started reading Joshua Ferris's Then We Came to the End. Everyone who has ever worked in corporate culture should read this book. Or, anyone who has ever WORKED. At all, really.

It has also been over a week since I've sneezed--I'm doing my best to keep them at bay lest I rip something now tenuously cobbled back together, but MAN is this hard.


  1. As long as you splint your belly with a pillow, you can sneeze away. You won't like it, but you can do it. Same with coughing.

    Fiber supplements will help you "bulk up", so to speak, and coffee will help things along as well. Quite frankly, I'm surprised they didn't prescribe you a stool softener.

    OK, enough shop talk. Take care of you and feel better soon. I find that a good book, gossip website and soup usually make my mending time less hateful. :)

  2. Well since you're all better now, there was talk of going to That Place That My Husband Hates for some of their beer and dinner on friday. He's off ManCamping, in the winter cold on Friday. (*cough idiot cough*)

    you know, where they have the Capt'n crunch chicken fingers that I roll around in like a shark in chum?

    In all seriousness.
    I love those g.d. Capt'n Crunch chicken fingers. God bless you Capt'n Crunch. I wonder what they could do with some Count Chokula?

  3. oh, and I hope you drop a deuce soon. God speed and sh*t.

  4. Oh, man, Jess. I'm sorry to read this. I know the post-op pain (2 C-sections in my past).

    Heal fast.


  5. here's to hemorrhoids! the lady's little clump of special friends just when you're feeling crappy. try not to fret (or push too hard--you'll end up with a bunch of crashers to your little party).

    feel better soon!

  6. Hope you feel better soon! I've had 2 c-sections, too, so I know the recovery pain. The pillow trick works for laughing and coughing, but nothing really works for rolling over and getting out of bed. Anyway, speedy recovery!

  7. Perogies are good for you once and awhile. Otherwise there would be no Poland.

  8. Anonymous9:41 AM

    Ha! Free Tibet!

  9. Hope you're 100% soon. And that you don't have any lumpy visitors.

  10. Oh, poor Jess. But boy you made me laugh.

  11. Oh - ow. Here's to soft pillows to press against your stomach, and very sound-proof walls.

    Heal soon.

  12. If you dont like hemorroids, you're going to hate pregnancy.

  13. Two things...have you tried those wipes for adults? They help keep your hemorrhoids from hurting worse than they already do.

    Also, Preparation H does help some. Also, ice.

    And a laxative is good, but the other end of the spectrum really isn't much help with the H.

    That was three things. Sorry. I wish I didn't have first hand experience with this part of your miserable saga. Blech. Good luck.

  14. Congratulations on your first hemorrhoid! Have you come up with a name yet?

  15. Anonymous8:27 AM

    So glad you're feeling better!!

    And yes, Then We Came to The End is an excellent book! Kind of like a dark(er), literary form of the movie Office Space.

    And re: your previous post: Demetri Martin rocks, too!! :)

  16. Anonymous8:42 AM

    Glad to hear you're holding it together, both figuratively and literally.

  17. Anonymous12:36 PM

    Oh, Jess. That sounds just horrible. I'm pulling for you. At least it sounds like your sense of humor is intact. Your "Free Tibet!" just cracked me up.