Thursday, September 10, 2009

Questions. I Have so Many.

What caused my 24-hour flu-like symptoms on Monday? A virus? Some gross, squiggly bacteria? A family of small dwarves who live in my stomach? (If you get that reference, bless your darling little heart.)

Speaking of hearts, why am I having these crazy-ass heart palpitations all the time? Is it anxiety? Is it hormones? Did my heart try to get on So You Think you Can Dance! and we’re only now discovering that it has the rhythm of Navin Johnson?

Now that Weekly Reader and Reading Rainbow are kaputsky, will childhood be cancelled as well? Rainbows and puppy dogs and imagination itself banned? My God, who wants to be a kid these days? You have to wear a helmet to play in the front yard, the prizes in Cracker Jack boxes totally suck, and they have to run ADS on TV to remind you to go PLAY OUTSIDE. (But don’t forget the sunscreen! And your helmet.)

Why did my neighbors think a “Pure Romance” open house on their front lawn was a good idea? And why did they think it would be okay to not only attempt to sell marital aids to the general public on a lovely Tuesday afternoon, but puppies as well? Yes, there was signage, and no, sadly, I did not take a picture of it. “Puppies for sale! Also, dildos! Get your puppies and dildos right here, folks!”

I would like to thank Jacque for thinking enough of my ramblings to honor me with a “lovely blogger award.” Which she may want to rescind at this point.


  1. Somehow I don't think the "Pure Romance" and puppy sales are going to share much clientele.

  2. Anonymous2:57 PM

    Too bad about Weekly Reader. My son's school does 'Time for Kids'. In a few years they'll be subscribing to their kiddie news feeds on an iPhone.

  3. Love your blog!! My childhood is dying as well. I loved Weekly Reader and I loved Reading Rainbow. My daughter (17) is realizing her youth is fading because we both loved that show.

    Now about the uhm Dildos and Puppies..Sometimes you can't make this stuff up because the truth so crazy.

  4. I think I want to live in your neighborhood. You can't make that stuff up!

    The Weekly Reader is gone?? I loved getting it. Did you all pronounce it "wrickly reader"?

  5. Are you kidding? I'd give you the award BASED on this post. ;)

  6. Anonymous11:32 AM

    That news made me sad, too. I think kids have it horribly miserable anymore between Bratz dolls and video games and NO free time to just run wild in the streets at night without a grown up chasing them and a nap preceded by Mr. Rogers telling them it's going to be OKAY.

  7. that totally sucks. about the weekly reader thing. i loved that when i was a kid.
    i totally agree that one day our kiddies will subscribe to their reading on their iphones or some crazy gadget that even dick tracy's men couldn't have ever dreamed up.
    oh and the award, no take backs ! you're stuck with it. =) i mean, it ain't everywhere you get to read about puppies and dildos, dude.

  8. Late to the party, Jess, but I think your 24-hf flu might be caused by an imbalance of bodily humors...

    (Strange that I got that reference. Now its time for me to go have too much mead at the Festival of the Vernal Equinox. Watch out for them there ox carts...)