Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Snow Daze

We have finally gotten the kind of snow that struts around like it owns the place, holding up traffic and demanding a giant bowl of green M&Ms after the show.

The snowbanks are pretty, but I have been housebound now for TWO DAYS. And you know what this means! Personal hygiene? See you Thursday! My teeth are kind of furry at this point. In college we used to say, "My teeth are wearing little yellow sweaters!"

God, when did I get so gross? And why do I find this acceptable? Maybe A&E needs to do a show about women who get really lax about shaving their legs in winter. (I can't remember where I was, because I had another birthday last week and I'm now OLD AS FUCK, but I was recently talking with three women and we all stated that winter means long leg hair. So long it gets SOFT. And waves around like sea anemone tentacles in bathwater.)

So yes. The A&E Network. Have you seen their show about hoarding? It makes me want to bust a cap in my spare bedroom's ass. Pull it together. Rent a POD and start seriously tossing shit.

Ripped-up pillows I thought might one day be useful as...oh, giant ugly kneepads perhaps? GONE.

Ugly lamp, strange giant cat sculpture, shopping bag full of old CDs (Tupac's on top...Whaa??): all GONE.

I want to take it a step further and defenestrate everything in the spare room closet, but J might throw a minor fit over that, because it's all his crap.

Bottom line? We have too much stuff for our small house, and after watching the show Hoarders, I am much more inclined to rent a dumpster and pour half of our household belongings through the upstairs window. Even if said belongings are on the first floor...I will carry them upstairs and THEN through them out the second floor windows, because that's much more dramatic.

Anyway, back to my laziness. Maybe A&E needs to do a show featuring people with REALLY bad personal hygiene to scare me straight. Like, put that wad of belly button lint under a microscope and show us what's in it! Show a lady who finds a booklet of stamps and some movie ticket stubs from 1997 under her breasts! Show a man who smells so bad milk goes sour around him! And they bring in cleanliness intervention specialists and everyone is so happy and squeaky-clean at the end of each episode that they cry. I don't know what they might call it. YOU STINK! seems a little severe.

Okay, I'm exaggerating some of this (I'm really not that dirty. Maybe.), but the bottom line is this: I'm still not as dirty as Viggo Mortensen in The Road. Which is the Feel Good Holiday Movie of the season, and I'm really annoyed that it's not playing anywhere near me.


  1. I laughed my ass off at this post because I feel the exact same way!!! This snow storm has kept me in the house for 3 days straight, and I'm going nuts..and feel like since I have no where to go..why shower?!? Who do I have to impress? Well...the dog does not deem this acceptable, even she wont come close! Great blog! You are very funny!

  2. Dude, The Road is not the Feel Good Holiday anything - that sucker blows! I hated that book.

    And my high school BFF and I used to joke about "de-foresting" our legs in the spring all the time. So my laziness goes WAY back!

  3. I keep hearing about Hoarders and so I scheduled TiVo to record it on Monday. I could use the inspiration to throw some of my junk away.

    I love the anemone analogy! Cracks me up.

  4. Anonymous10:09 PM

    I have yet to see Hoarders too but I'd like to. My basement looks like I'm a hoarder, but really its my husband's fault. Its all our baby stuff and he needs to go have his procedure to ensure we don't have any more babies before I sell any of it.