Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Am I Sterile Yet?

As if I didn’t have enough to worry about. Now I need to worry about electromagnetic fields of radiation emitted from my television, computers, major kitchen appliances, CLOCK RADIOS JUST INCHES FROM MY HEAD FOR 8 HOURS A DAY, and those stealthy comforters of death, electric blankets. And if you’ve seen my house, you know I’m screwed. My living room looks like the cockpit of a 747. I basically live in a computer from the 1950s, with some rotten wood stapled over it. So I’m not just royally screwed; I’m Princess Di Chased By Paparazzi screwed. Unless I buy filters for all of my deathray machines, but for that price, I could just buy a new body.

The good news is that our television set is old. I think it once belonged to Barney Rubble. It is also the size of a teenage brontosaurus, and just as unwieldy. It is so large and unwieldy it would take a team of twenty juvenile delinquents tied together with rope to steal it. And even then one of the thieves would likely get horribly crushed in the process. And when I see his (or her, because criminal behavior is an equal opportunity hobby) body on my living room floor when I discover the crime, I’d get pretty sad because it means one of my violence prevention grants didn’t work out so well.


  1. I don't even wanna click on that link and find out what's wrong with our house. I'm perfectly happy believing that as long as I avoid scented laundry detergent I'm out of harm's way.

  2. Ignorance is bliss. My husband works on and with computers all day long and he was still able to get me pregnant. I hope he can do it again in a couple of years before his sperm get all deformed or dry up from the radiation.

  3. I've read the book. It makes you wonder if there is some truth to it. If we knew what was really in the world around us, we would probably freak out. I am happy to think that if I drink a little bottled water every day and take my supplements I'll be fine.

    Hey, if the television works who cares if it runs on teradactyle power.

  4. Anonymous8:44 PM

    Just wanted to let you know that I'm loving your blog and definitely Blogrolling you! You crack me up, and it's nice to see another aspiring writer. Looks like you're even writing chick lit, too. Can't wait to read more!

  5. Thanks Caryn! I added you to my links, too :) (I think my computer hates me--it won't let me do anything related to Blogrolling! I need a few solid hours to dedicate to figuring this out.)

  6. Anonymous12:42 AM

    Oops. Not quite sure why I wrote "aspiring" because I actually knew that you have a book coming out. Really distracted when I wrote that because we had company. Now I'm really tired, since it's nearly midnight here, so off to bed!