Thursday, January 26, 2006

An Informal Thursday Thirteen: Things You'd Never Guess Just by Looking At Me

Okay, as long as I'm on the whole navel-gazing topic, I'm going to milk it just a bit longer. Then tomorrow I'll talk about saving the whales or some other crap. So without further ado, here are thirteen things you'd never guess (about me, of course) just by looking at me.

1. Yesterday I paid for a movie rental entirely in change. I apologized to the clerk while counting it out. And then I scrammed. On the way to the car I thought about the time I paid for a purple boom box with a jar of pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, and a few stinky, crumpled-ass dollar bills. Scene of the crime: Musicland, Forest Mall, Fond du Lac. Year: 1984.

2. I once baked some ground-up laxatives into a batch of cookies to discover who’d been stealing my lunch from my locker every day. Turned out it was Poopy Pants Patrick.

3. I want to be the only human being on the planet who has not read The DaVinci Code after the movie is released.

4. I have never watched an entire episode of American Idol. In fact, if everyone in the nation is doing something, I probably don’t want to be. Exception: blogging. This shit’s addictive.

5. I am a charity whore, and my mailman Dennis hates me because of it. Once it’s out that you’ve opened your checkbook, all the fly-eyed orphan rescuers start to hit you up.

6. My grandfather and I corresponded every month (with real actual writing! On paper! With stamps!) when I was in college. He’s still alive in Alabama and has a 90 year-old girlfriend.

7. Until I was twelve, I was a member of the Forest Hills 4-H Club, through which my friends and I engaged in fun activities like softball, Christmas caroling at nursing homes, and picking up garbage / getting harassed by drunk revelers at Walleye Weekend while wearing t-shirts reading “Wally’s Swabbies!”

8. My husband spent a decade as a long-haired bass player in various heavy metal bands. He used to practice next door to the house I shared with my college roommates in 1996. We called the cops on him and his band twice for being so loud they interfered with our studying.

9. A homeless man once walked up to me in a bar and, for no reason and without warning, picked my nose. (Let’s ignore the question about why I was in the kind of bar that attracts homeless people in the first place.)

10. I am allergic to cat dander, dust, and people who say things like, “My bad,” “Git-r-done,” and “Do the math.”

11. I had a boyfriend in high school whose nickname was “Beaver.” Every time I called and his dad answered he’d summon his son with a nasal, “BEEEEEEEE-vuuur!” Isn’t that sexy?

12. When I skate in any capacity (in-line, roller, ice), I must extend my left foot slightly in front of my right the entire time. I believe this is because I was born with Fucked-up Balance Syndrome, in which the body tends to veer to the left when in forward motion.

13. To me, diamonds are nothing more than old, smashed dinosaur turds. And if anyone thinks the size of the dino-turd on their left hand means they win the “My husband loves me the most!” contest, they’re wrong. Hmmm…. wonder who (or what) will be wearing my ass bling on their ring finger a jamillion years from now.

If you've done the Thursday Thirteen, I'll add your link on this post sometime today. Just put it in your comments. (Wow, doesn't it sound like I'm laying on a couch eating chips, watching The Andy Griffith Show, and belching while I say that? I'm doing this so half-assed! Just like the way I did chores as a kid.)

Other Thirteeners:

1. Uisce (Whiskey Talking)
2. Anna McGinty (Novelist in Training)
3. Diary of a Music Whore
4. Monique at Word Well
5. Colleen at Looseleafnotes


  1. These are fun, Jess, and I am finding all sorts of things we have in common....

    I, too, have never seen an entire episode of American Idol (or Sex in the City, for that matter) but I DID read The DaVinci Code.

    My 90-something year old grandpa had a girlfriend who lived down the street from him - he called her "sweet thing".

    I've dated long hair band boys, too - but I married a geek.

    Oh, and David Sedaris? He's mine, girly (hee/hee). We are going to see him in April - can't wait!

  2. OMG, I've always wanted to use laxatives against my adversaries, and I salute you for having done it! My 13 are up!

  3. I did my thirteen. I think both of us might be the only ones having not read the DaVinci Code. I have the book, but I have no desire to read it.

  4. I'm going to be the only person who has never read Da Vinci OR seen the movie--hee hee. Does that mean I win?

    I need to catch up on your blog, and when ya gonna post those pics! Hot stuff! ; )

  5. Mine are up, and yours are so much cooler.

  6. I can't understand why a woman would waste perfectly good laxatives. Seriously, I would horde them like Klonopin. Oh wait, I already do that.

    You're really missing the boat on American Idol. I totally get why you would take a pass on the DaVinci Code but American Idol is some of the best trash tv ever! Until it gets close to the end and "America votes" nothing that involves regular people voting should ever be allowed. Anyway...

  7. Yessss! I was waiting for someone to comment on that one. hehehe

  8. Anonymous8:50 PM

    Tried to post earlier, but Blogger was down and wouldn't let me connect. Just so you know I wasn't ignoring you or anything. :D

    The laxatives idea is classic. Good one! Bet you got a great laugh out of it, too. Served him right! I've read The DaVinci Code. For the record, it's only so-so. Don't see what all the fuss is about. We don't have TV, so I've only ever seen bits and pieces of American Idol, and have never seen even part of Survivor. A 90-year-old girlfriend? That's adorable! (So patronizing of me, I know. I'm sorry. But still. So cute!) Picked your nose?!?! Oh, my GOD!

    Fun list! Okay. I'm done using my exclamation mark key now. Might just curl up in bed with a good book, though it's only 7:48 p.m. Good night!

  9. Anonymous9:08 PM

    That was fun! I up too.

    I hope I can remember to come back.

  10. For those of you who don't watch American Idol, you are so missing out! That is some funny shiite. Watching terrible singers, who believe they ARE the next AI, is just too funny. My husband won't watch any other reality show (home from Iraq, can't stomach the stupid crap people get emotional about) But AI - Always a good laugh during the auditions

  11. Hi there - thanks for the comment on the wee bloggie I keep. Wandered over here and will be back, simply because of the "diamond" comment. Wonderful!!

  12. I can't wait for your book because you are so. damn. funny.

    Nobody sent me, I came on my own.

  13. This is great. I loved #9. Did this happen in a bar in Wisconsin? If so, I'd love to know where. I grew up in WI.

  14. Hey NY Moments! The bar was called "The General Lees," and beers were served in big glass boots. I should have known I would be in for a nose-picking (or, as in the case of my good friend Fee, a death threat from someone completely divorced from reality) for those two facts alone.

    Where in WI did you grow up?

  15. Hey Karen at 11:07 a.m.,
    I come on my own too. Sometimes. It's just necessary. hahahahaahahahhahahahah

  16. Haven't read The DaVinci Code and I don't want to. I will, possibly, watch the movie. Or fall asleep.

    Never watched an entire episode of AI. I find it absolutely painful and in some cases, hard to believe that certain contestants weren't planted for comic relief. I would rather blog any day.

    I got your Charity Whore right here, sister. I was just musing over whether it's bad karma to toss pleas of money for sick kids and the like into the trash without a second thought. Clearly, my name is on the "Suckers" mailing list.

    "My bad" and “Git-r-done" lololol...I hate (HATE!) both of those.

    Diamonds? Not a fan.

    Thanks for dropping by "Moonshine" the other day. I enjoyed your writing. I'll be back :-)

  17. I tried to read Da Vinci code...couldn't get into it. Neither could my husband or my friend. We decided it's a test, and if you have a brain, you don't like it.

    ditto American Idol.

    Boy, we're elitist snobs at my house, aren't we? Sorry.

    Not so much into diamonds, but it's more because they're over hyped and I hate the industry and how they guilt men into spending so much money for something she maybe wants, and how they treat the labor in Africa who mine them. I do like gold, though, and have been known to look longingly at some pretty sparkly things from time to time... :)

    I haven't tried the THursday 13 yet...maybe this week...

  18. Anonymous11:12 PM

    That was some funny Deuce Bigalow Movie.
    Perhaps I'll do a Thursday 13.
    But not tomorrow. I'm a delicate tulip when it comes to blogging under pressure.