Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Three ______s on a Desert Island Meme

Okay. I have been tagged. So here are my answers to the amazing Mrs. Fortune's inventive new meme:

If you were stranded on a desert island (without Ginger and the Professor and all those folks to keep you amused), which three _____s would you bring?


  1. The Left Behind series, so I could have one hell of a bonfire on the beach over which to roast the red snapper I have speared with a sharpened stick.
  2. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Cooking Weird Shit You Find on a Desert Island with bonus How Not to Die insert.
  3. Stephen King’s The Stand, which is one of the few books I will read over and over. (This is a real answer. I don't want to write the meme that cried wolf.)

Movies (this is assuming that you have access to some sort of electrical power source, a DVD player or a VCR, and a screen on which to view the films. Hard to do on a desert island, I know, but let's suspend our disbelief for a moment, shall we?)

As tempting as it was for me to type Battlefield Earth, Howard the Duck, and It’s Pat: the Movie, I thought I’d actually give you a serious answer.

  1. Annie Hall. I remember the first time I watched this movie. As the final credits rolled I thought, how could I have never seen this before? It was like discovering a $50 bill in the couch.
  2. Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection, Volume 6. All it takes to knock me out of a bad mood is one viewing of the Mr. B Natural short.
  3. It’s a Wonderful Life. Did it ever bother you when Not Born George Bailey is asking about what happened to Mary and Clarence the Angel says, “You’re not gonna like it, George. She never married. She's an old maid.” And George grabs him and screams in his face, “Where’s Mary?!?! Where’s my wife?!?!” And Clarence defensively shouts, “She’s about to close up the library!” Like that was the worst possible way Mary could have ended up! Single and working in a library. Oh, the horror. I mean, Violet turned out to be a tramp. Well, trampier. Maybe if Mary had developed an opium addiction or routinely locked the kids in the car with the windows rolled up in late August or said things to her mother like, “He’s making violent love to me!” when asked what was going on downstairs …THEN I could see some cause for alarm.

"I wish I had a million dollars .... HOT DOG!"

Albums (see electronic power source caveat above)

This is a tough one, but I think I’ve narrowed it down. How about:

  1. Colonel Sanders’ Tijuana Picnic

2. Songs for Gay Dogs by Paddy Roberts

3. The Addicts Sing

And finally, PEOPLE. Because you wouldn't wanna be stuck by yourself, you know? (And your spouse/partner and children are NOT eligible here, because that goes without saying. Or at least if it doesn't, that's your problem).

  1. My good friend Cindy, who is the best sport I know. And she has the biggest heart in all the land. And who, despite knowing me better than almost anyone else does, still actually likes me.
  2. My dog Daisy, who is also a person to me. A hairy, stinky, loud, but cute little person with a proclivity for cophrophagia and bed humping.
  3. Of course I’d want J, but he’s ineligible for this meme. I think Jon Stewart would be an acceptable substitute. But then Cindy and I might fight over him. So maybe David Sedaris, who would regale us nightly with fables and amusing anecdotes.

And there you have it. If you'd like to play along, please do. If not, you can always go listen to some Addicts Sing.


  1. Holy hell Jess - what is up with the Colonel? I will have nightmares tonight.

    Yet I am laughing.

    So so funny and scary and also funny.

  2. Anonymous11:37 PM

    Oooo The Stand!!! I love that book. I have read the updated version 4 times and the original cut version from the 70's 3 times. I so love that book!!!

  3. At first I was like...what? Left Behind? I never knew Jes was a thumper who ...and then I just laughed so hard that I triggered the baby monitor in the other room which played back my own laughter in the receiving monitor next to my ear on the couch.

    I think I'd want you with me on a desert island.

  4. I LOVE all 3 book choices. Especially the insert. :)

  5. What does music for gay dogs sound like exactly? I mean, I've heard Whitney Houston, so I know what the addicts sound like - but the gay dogs?

    And David Sedaris might come, but he would get bitchy without smokes...

  6. Anonymous8:51 AM

    lololol...Songs for Gay Dogs?

    Where, oh, where do you find these things?

    Oh, your personal collection? I see :)

    And MST3K...Holy cow! I haven't thought about that in YEARS!

  7. Anonymous9:16 AM

    holy shit. this was great.

    okay. lets see.

    for starters, #2 choice of books is brilliant. there must be one right?

    It's a Wonderful Life, was my dad's (may he rest in peace) favorite all time movie. In addition to IAWL, he may have had to bring The Little Rascals or Laurel and Hardy collection. BUT ANYWAY. He had a radio talk show, and often quoted that movie. It is CLASSIC!!! I loved your references too.

    David Sedaris would be a wonderful pick to be stranded on a desert island.

    Your musical selections are hysterical!!!

    great post j.

  8. Songs for Gay Dogs???? OMG!

  9. Colonel Sanders’ Tijuana Picnic? I feel like I stepped into the Twilight Zone.


    "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Cooking Weird Shit You Find on a Desert Island with bonus How Not to Die insert." LMFAO. That's too funny. I think you just found your next book title. ;)

  10. Anonymous10:20 AM

    Oh, MST3k. So many classics. Don't forget Manos, the Hands of Fate.

  11. What would have happened if Col. Sanders had teamed up with the Singing Addicts?

    That would have been a hell of a recording session.

    Great post.


  12. Love love love it. You are hilarious! Thanks for playing along and not letting my little meme die.

  13. Anonymous3:05 PM

    Jess, you are hilarious. "The meme that cried wolf" - how do you think of this stuff?

  14. OK...those albums are freakin hilarious...Colonel Sanders? Who knew the man had other talents?
    Oh, and I am with you on The Stand...best book ever.

  15. What a great point about It's a Wonderful Life. I had never thought about it . . . but I guess working in a library is one of the more lonely jobs. But it's certainly not as bad as being an independent prostitute. Without even a pimp? The humanity.

  16. I think you might just give David Sedaris a run for his money. I would supply the match for those damn Left Behind books.
    The albums? Hilarious- esp. Col. Sanders.

  17. So I've been pretty much hating you since I found you last week through some random twists of blogfate and I decided I should just get over myself and my school girl envy and tell you that your writing does to me what Haven Kimmel did to you. You are seriously talented: and it really hasn't taken me reading 500 gazillion other blogs--even so called writer ones--to figure that out. Sign me up for the book version of Jess Riley.

  18. Anonymous6:32 PM

    When I read the words, "Left Behind," I gasped. . .and then I laughed my butt off. Thank God you weren't serious.

    Those albums. WHERE in the WORLD did you find those?

  19. LOL at your post from beginning to end. Funny stuff, thanks for the laugh. Will you join me on the SNL staff?

    The Stand is one of my all time favorite novels. I know Steven King is not considered to be of the same ilk as say...Dickens or Hemingway, but that novel is brilliant.

    And I like It's A Wonderful Life. Even though some of the ideas strike us as weird or just wrong, it's a pretty realistic snapshot of life back then. I don't think it detracts from the main message really.

    I would so do Jimmie Stewart at 40. Those high waisted pants are oddly sexy.

  20. I agree about the "Left Behind" series. What an opportunistic load of crap. Love me some "Wonderful Life".

  21. Anonymous8:38 AM

    We were twins seperated at birth! I LOVE MST! Love it. The Stand- one of my favorites. Then there was the icing on the cake- Songs for Gay Dogs is my most favorite. On my iPod ALL the time.

  22. Oh my God. HILARIOUS Jess!

    So with ya on the Left Behind series.

  23. oooh. you are *totally* the person I am always pretending to not be breathing down the neck of at the local thrift store's record bin (the same applies for when I see you rifling through the records at yard/garage/estate sales) - because I'm PRAYING that you didn't get all the really weird shit before I can go through it.

    sweet picks for records. and I thought I had some good ones - that Col. Sanders TJ Picnic - I'm gasping with envy.

  24. I laughed out loud at book #2. And book #1, also. You funny, girl!

  25. Funniest meme ever! I just did this same one, and I also had It's a Wonderful Life. Love that film. Poor Mary at the library...sigh. But she just couldn't find anyone else to love...and without love, you become....a librarian....
    OK, I'm stopping now. Way too funny, though. Glad you did it, and that you didn't take it too seriously. :)

  26. Anonymous10:54 AM

    You are hilarious, but seriously if you played any of those records, I might have to beat you to death with the charred remains of the Left Behind books.

    If I were on the island with you and David Sedaris, I would suggest we put on little morality plays from the pages of The Stand.

  27. LOVE the albums. Good choices.

    And I'm with you on Annie Hall. I just saw it a few years ago and was like, "where have you been all of my life?" I just watched it last week for the millionith time (is that a word?)...

  28. Anonymous10:38 AM

    Does Colonel Sanders SING on that album? Holy cow, as frightening a thought as that is, I SO want to hear it now.

    I think that whole scene about Mary at the library is one of the reasons I despise It's a Wonderful Life. I know, anti-american of me. But my mom, who is also a librarian, loves it. Go figure.

  29. Anonymous2:55 PM

    I also own Music for Gay Dogs. I saw it at a car boot sale and just had to buy it, how can it be so unknown? With a title like that you would think it would have flown out of shops!