Wednesday, September 24, 2008

But How Did They Get Here?

It's Wednesday for another thirty minutes or so, but I thought I'd celebrate with a new list of random Google searches that lead unsuspecting Internet users to my little blog. Let us begin!

1) "Will earwigs ever leave the home?"

No. But you can encourage them to leave by no longer purchasing their favorite breakfast cereals, folding their laundry, paying their cell phone and insurance bills, or continuing to subscribe to gourmet cable.

2) "Bodyworlds exhibit large penis"

Well, I'm sorry to say you won't find any at the exhibit I visited. But you will find a few gray Brillo pads, new tattoo ideas, and renewed interest in eating right and exercising.

3) "heat meister and jack frost theme song"

Great. Now I want to Google this so I remember what the lyrics are.

4) "the secret to clear iced tea," "advanage the wonder cleaner," and the "well you know my name is simon song"

These are perennial search favorites that lead people to my blog. Mostly because I actually wrote posts about all three, back in 2006 when I was trying really hard to be funny (and failing spectacularly). I also wrote a great post that year about Ric Ocasek's creepy dry lips in "You Might Think," but nobody's looked for that yet.

5) "childless thirtysomethings" and "making friends after college"

Oooh! We need to hook up, people using these search strings. Seriously.

6) "funny synonyms for anus"

Ahem. How about Food Exit Portal? Brown star? Play-Doh Spaghetti Factory? Cracker compactor? Corn car tunnel? Cheese squeezer? Dakota Fanning's Hoodie?

7) "value of humiliation"

My, have you come to the right place!!

Or, you could go to Betty Confidential, because the always awesome Manic interviewed me and we're giving away a couple of signed 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or maybe even 4th editions of Driving Sideways! You don't know WHAT you're getting! Except my book, and it will be signed, and I might draw a penguin in it. Or an old lady with glasses and three chins. (Those were my two 'signature' cartoons in high school.) I think you have through the weekend to enter. "Go do it, and be successful with it." (In an Eastern European accent.)

If you can name the show that line is from, I will send you a special prize.


  1. Hilarious, Jess! I haven't checked my search strings in a while. I do know I'm quite conscious, every time I Google a wacky phrase, that someone somewhere might be blogging about me.

  2. Go do it, and be successful with it - my guess is Bob Ross.

    Search strings are hilarious!

  3. Ahem, if I may interupt for a moment ...

    You can enter to win a copy of Jess's fabulous book through Friday, October 3, so come on over to Betty to have a chance to win!

    And why the hell didn't she draw a funky cartoon character in MY BOOK?


  4. Your advanage story still remains among my favorite blog posts of all time - of any blogger. However it didn't hurt that the same exact thing happened to me.

  5. I've offended eveybody on every topic I could think of. My readers know I'm juvinille and harmless but I'd be afraid of what google people that stumble onto my blog would think. Anyway, I'm gonna check out Betty Confidential and see what all the hoopala is about. Thanks for the tip.

  6. Go do it, and be successful with it

    Edited to add: Or . . . possibly William Alexander.

    And I'm feeling greedy that I'm the only one guessing. *g*

  7. Ha, I love hearing about others google searches. Daily I get searches for Patti Carnel and Brain Zaps. I had to look up who Patti is and I know searchers land on my site because of a comment someone made, but I still don't know why she is so popular.

  8. lol...thats funny. Great post!

  9. Anonymous11:17 AM

    Clear iced tea. Who'd want that?

    We're reading your book for our book club in November--any chance you'd come to the Fox Cities for our meeting?

  10. I love the heat meiser song!!!

  11. Anonymous10:23 PM

    I don't know the show but I would like to tell you that I nomintated you for the I LOVE YOUR BLOG bloggy award. You can check it out at:


  12. Two Questions: What is the secret to make clear ice tea?

    And what post included an exhibit of a large penis????

    Signed up for the book, keeping all appendages crossed and double crossed!

  13. Oh, how I love earwigs. Being a Fondy country boy, all i need to do is roll over a dead stick or rock in the woods, and earwigs scurry.

    They love to shower with me!

  14. I can remember the "Go do eeet. And be, successful with it." It's killing me where that's from.