Thursday, March 02, 2006

Anger Management

Have you ever had one of those days where everything goes horribly wrong, where you wake up with the Vin Diesel of headaches and the uneasy feeling that Aunt Flo may have actually broken your girl parts, proceed to forget an important work-related item before you leave the house, then experience another unpleasant work-related incident you can’t blog about, have a mild panic attack as you finally begin to accept the deadlines staring you down over the next three months, eat twenty pounds of chocolate and almost burst your pants at the seams, listen to a Slaughter marathon on a local radio station all the way home without even being aware of it until it was too late and you have auditory nerve damage, oh, and also almost start crying on the way home because you really wish your mom was there to have a delicious home-cooked meal ready and waiting for you, and then pick a fight with your loved one at 12:30 in the morning because you’re so frustrated about life?

And think how badly you’d like to meet the person who came up with the pansyass, kumbaya saying, “Anger only harms the vessel in which it is carried!” so you can choke them to death with a sustainably-harvested, fair trade hemp rope that gave a family of five a decent source of income and helped them buy quinine to relieve little Momo’s malaria?

What’s that? Jesus came up with that dandy? Nevermind.

I feel better today. Despite the fact that last night we had an ice storm and this morning my car doors were frozen solidly shut. I was ahead of schedule, could even possibly arrive early to work. Life was looking good. J had pulled my car out of the driveway so he could leave for work, so I knew getting into my car despite its thick coat of ice was indeed possible. But alas, enough time had lapsed between his and my departure times that my car doors had refrozen.


So I kicked. I punched. I knocked. I pried. I tugged so hard on my door handle that I almost pulled it off. I was inside trying to find a hammer so I could pound away at the edges of the driver’s side door on MY NEW CAR when the phone rang. It was J.

J: “Are you going to work today? The roads are kinda bad.”
Me, frustrated again: “Yes, if I can ever get my car door open! I’m looking for a hammer.”
J: “Don’t do that!”
Me, sighing deeply and thinking that I will anyway: “But my door is frozen. Like, solid.”
J: “Try getting in from the passenger side.”
Me, looking doubtfully out the window at the icy sheen coating the passenger side door: “It probably won’t open either, but I’ll try it.”

So after punching my sensible clogs through a snowbank and getting completely covered in sharp snow cone ice, I discovered to my shock and delight that my passenger side door could open!

And the driver’s side door was … simply … locked.

I’ll be submitting my application to the Airheads of America Association later this afternoon. Gail Goebel, you were completely right when you called me an airhead during our fourth grade softball game when I dropped an important catch in right field.


  1. Anonymous11:29 AM

    LOL! Yes, those extreme emotions can interfere with our decision-making ability and our ability to act rationally when faced with obstacles such as frozen/locked doors.

    Hope you have a better rest of your day.

  2. HA! Good thing you didn't break out the hammer after all!! Try explaining that one to the repair shop. :)

  3. Anonymous11:54 AM


    It was ice - it froze your brain.

  4. oh so glad you didn't find that hammer! (and i'm glad you don't have the access codes to detonating nucuular *per Bush & Homer* paraphernalia also.)

    i'm glad you're day is going better.

  5. Darn, Kristen stole my comment.

    I am glad to learn a new stupid needlepoint-pillow motto though. Glad I stopped by!

  6. Anonymous12:20 PM

    Didn't mamma say there'd be days like that? We've all had them and can relate. Or as my hero George Carlin says, "been nearby, done something similar." (--instead of the ridiculously trite, "been there, done that") The good thing about bad days is that it makes us appreciate the good ones so much more. Every day is a gift. Hope that isn't too kumbayaish. :)

  7. Oh my, that certainly sounds like something I've done, vis a vis walking around looking for my keys and swearing for 20 minutes when they were in my hand or looking all over for the glasses that were on my face. I hope your crap day becomes less so!!!

  8. Sadly, this would so be me :-)

  9. Oh Jesus, yes, I've had days like that. Hope yours got better.

  10. Anonymous1:28 PM

    The joys of winter are too many to count. Plus, your brain stops functioning due to the cold.

  11. Every day seems to be like that lately. I'm having my monthly oil change too. I was walking around the office this morning with a tampon descreetly in my hand. A bunch of construction workers from our renovation came up looking for someone and I started swinging my arms around to elaborate where that persons office was. I knew the guys were laughing but I didn't know at what. Until I realized I was using the tampon as a pointer.

  12. LMAO, I know you had a bad day but that last one about the car door being locked is freaking hilarious. It's also something I would do.

    I truly hope today is better for you.

    I have days like that, but I let mine build up for a week and when the damn breaks, no one is left standing in my house.


    As always it's a pleasure to read you and laugh WITH you.

  13. You were going for the hammer?! I would've given up after a few minutes and figured I was fated to stay home and drink hot chocolate all day! You must love your job. Or have cabin fever real, real bad.

  14. Anonymous2:26 PM

    Oh Holy Christ, that is funny. You alost to a hammer to a locked door on your NEW car. Ah! Imagine the mood you'dve been in if you had? Would make yesterday look like, I dunno, rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens, I think.

  15. Anonymous2:27 PM

    "almost took" was how that comment was to read. geez.

  16. So are you saying that J locked the door when he pulled your car out?

    It may be time to redirect your anger...

  17. Ah, the hammer... the one perfect tool for when you're really ticked off about something.

    In the future, you might find that hot water does wonders on things that are frozen. However, I would probably avoid hot water on icy glass, as that may have some consequences that, while satisfying in a fit of rage, are likely to be mourned later.

  18. oh yeah, AAA - I'm a member too! ;)

  19. Oh, Lordy, Lord, can I relate. ROFLOL!


  20. Anonymous8:03 PM

    Oh, God. That made me laugh out loud, Jess. Seriously. Don't you love moments like that? There are only two options: cover it up and hope your significant other doesn't find out...or declare it to the world in, say, a blog entry, because it eases the sting. Glad you chose the latter.

  21. OMG girl, you are a gift to us who need a laugh, with you of course not at you. It could have happened to anyone...

  22. Anonymous9:31 PM

    Awwww. Have some chocolate.

  23. Anonymous9:56 PM

    Hey, there's something fishy here. We all know chicks don't use hammers. We use shoe heels or the handle of butter knives, like God intended.

  24. Ice? Snow? Frozen doors? What is this you speak of? It was 80 here today :-)

  25. I am one of those people who doesn't have a genuine laugh because I was made fun of when I was little for my real one. When something is really funny really fast I let out the real one. That post almost woke all the members of my household, with a terrible whinny sound I call my "real" laugh. Thanks I loved it!!!

  26. Anonymous2:29 AM

    I live in L.A. so my doors have never frozen closed.

    I did, however, make my husband drive forty minutes back home one day because I had locked myself out of the house. Or so I thought. Until he got home and we discovered that I hadn't pulled on the handle hard enough.

    That should qualify me for the assoc. as well.

  27. THAT is excellent. So been there. And your admitting it makes you a genius, not an airhead. So say I.

  28. Ha ha ha! That is HILARIOUS! I am a card-carrying member of the Airhead Society. Welcome!

  29. Whooo Hooo Haaa Haaa. I'm nominating that for funniest post I've ever read on your blog.

  30. I got half a bottle of wine left here at the house, but am willing to buy more. To share.

    And at least you didn't break out a blowtorch. That has happened here in my state. House fires started by people trying to unfreeze their pipes with aforementioned blowtorch.

  31. That was AWESOME! I did not see it coming at all. Nice!
    A couple days ago I was late taking Madeleine to school because the keys were lost. Found out 15 minutes later that Jim had left them in the car, with the car warming up for us. Oh. That's what that sound was.

  32. Hmmm, i'm probably late on this one, but I have to say that i've done it before....of course I slid under the car while pulling wildly on the locked door. Eventually asked a passerby for help, and he asked if i'd checked to see if it was locked. oY.