Saturday, March 04, 2006

Things Are Happening. Things Have Happened.

It’s the weekend, and you know what that means. Yes, it’s once again time for the weekly financial bloodletting at Target and some further budget buggery at the grocery store. Betwixt our visits to these two money vacuums, we decided to court a tapeworm infestation and have lunch at one of the Chinese buffets in town. Here are the highlights:
  1. Someone had carefully balanced a check for 25 cents on the tummy of the Buddha statue near the cash register. Now, this appealed to me for two reasons: a) rather than mine the couch cushions for a quarter, someone actually took the time to write a check out for this amount; and b) what on earth can Buddha buy for 25 cents?
  2. While savoring a delicious mouthful of the traditional Chinese dish “cheesy spinach casserole,” my eyes happened upon a sight that immediately made my tastebuds lose their happy feeling: a man with a hairdo that can only be described as a wacky cross between Gallagher’s head and a ball of yellow yarn. Think about that for a second. Then think about the fact that when I pointed Gallagher Yarnhair out to my husband, he said, “Yeah, I know that guy.”
  3. Speaking of my darling life mate, his fortune read, “It’s time you asked that special someone out on a date.” That special someone better be me, bub.

After lunch, we zipped over to Copps to load up on foodstuffs for the week. And here are the people who entertained me at the grocery store:

  1. A couple that looked. Exactly. Alike. With matching baseball caps, matching jackets, matching shoes, matching glasses, and matching voices. People have said J and I look like brother and sister (Eeeww!), but we’ve got nothing on Clone Couple. You’ll have to trust me on this.
  2. A lady who may or may not have been clinically insane cupping a large, unwrapped chocolate egg in one hand while she steered her cart with the other.
  3. Another fun couple, this time dressed in their pajamas. Mr. Pajamas (who looked exactly like Christopher Guest in Waiting for Guffman) said hi to J, addressing him by name. J just shrugged and whispered to me, “I have no idea who this guy is.” I told him he was just embarrassed that his best friend shops for head cheese in his pajamas.
Other things that are happening: if I behave myself and eat all my benchtabulls, I might get to interview this man to help me develop a character for my next book. Me = Thrilled! (Dudes: Murderball is up for best documentary at the Oscars…pass it on.)

Also, in honor of the Academy Awards on Sunday, I’m working hard to bring you a home movie of our dog / wolverine / special needs baby. Because I need another reason to procrastinate on my grant projects until the deadlines are clearing their throats and tapping their feet and I can hear them breathing RIGHT BEHIND ME. And then the planets will have aligned, the sun’s magnetic field will have reversed, and I will become the crazy woman wandering the grocery store cupping a large, unwrapped chocolate egg in one hand.

And finally, mysteries and wonders abound: I’m a nominee for another blog contest! Please, for less than the cost of a cup of coffee a day, Sally Struthers and I implore you to vote for me. Actually, it’s way cheaper than that. It will just take a few calories of expended energy for you to click on the little circle by my name. And make me the happiest girl in all the land. Thank you, Interpals!


  1. Anonymous8:34 PM

    I had to laugh at the lady with the egg? and the clone couple... Hilarious. I see a lot of clone couples around - thank god my huz and I look NOTHING alike... EVEN if we wore the same clothes I'm convinced we would NOT look the same *she says eying her newly flat post-breastfeeding chest*

    I'm going to vote now.

  2. Anonymous9:41 PM

    Consider yourself voted for. Again. I had to e-mail in my vote, as suggested when Norton Anti-Virus spit it back out again. Hope it works. Good luck!

    In our town, there's a couple that dresses exactly alike. They go everywhere together, and have been married forever. They even look a little alike.

    Shopping's terrific for people watching, isn't it?

  3. Anonymous9:59 PM

    Eeewww. Gross. I just found out that the couple I mentioned a few minutes ago in the comment wears the same underwear. Not just the same outer clothes. (And, no, I didn't even bring them up. Just a coincidence.)

  4. I stopped by to say thanks for stoppin' by my blog.

    You know, I have just come upon this bloggin' thing...been doing it about two weeks. And I must be the happiest woman alive! I have happened upon some of the most wonderful blogs. And here is yours! You are brilliant. And so funny!

    Congratulations on your book deal! And I will be back. A lot. Daily! :)

  5. cheesy spinach casserole? Hilarious! And to think, I'm wary of Chinese restaurants that also do sushi. You get spoiled in New York I guess.

    I just voted for you by the way. I didn't even need to read the other blogs to know you're the best WI has to offer.

  6. Consider yourself voted for :-)

    I'm off to shop for head cheese in my jammies!

  7. Anonymous12:07 AM

    3 words for you, my friend: Matching. Nascar. Jackets.

    Voted! :)

  8. You rock. I voted. Nuff said.

  9. Anonymous9:21 AM

    I can't decide if I'm just boring or if you happen to have one of those interesting personas where strange things happen all around you. Or maybe you're just more observant and a better storyteller. Yeah, probably that last one.

    Wouldn't it cost more to cash a check for 25 cents than the value of the check itself?

    And why does your darling seem to know all sorts of people with weird hair/pajamas? (even though he denies knowledge of the pajama man?)

    Off to vote for you now. ;-)

  10. Anonymous10:53 AM

    I actually put down my egg for a minute to vote for you, but the damned thing wouldn't send. So I voted for you in spirit!

    I realize that this is not one of those things where it's the thought that counts, but it's the best I can do. Sowwy.

  11. I voted for you, girl. YOU!

  12. You had me laughing and laughing and laughing! I just LOVE your writing. Can't wait for that book to come out.

    I voted for you. :)

  13. I think Buddha likes gumballs. Just seems like that kind of kid.

    So your hubby is buds with Gallagher Yarnhair and Mr. Pajama-man. Tell the truth - is he a Muppet?

  14. Anonymous6:34 PM

    So funny...I'll vote for ya. Love your site.

  15. Hey, we watched Murderball just last week, and Mark Zupan was totally hot! I'm jealous.

  16. I tried to vote for you, Jess, but my stupid firewall conflicted with whatever software they're using over there. Sorry.


  17. OMG, I love the word "betwixt." I'm jealous that you used it. :)

    I'm also a big fan of the chinese buffet, and, a check for .25? That's class, baby. Class.

    Gonna vote for ya!

  18. I once saw a man with googly eyes and wild hair acting strangely at the grocery store. I told my husband (who was just joining me) the guy was definetly "a brick short of a full load". My husband took one look and said "I know him (work)- He doesn't even have a truck to haul a load in".
    Even stranger was meeting this guy's wife years later - she looked just like him!

  19. I haven't checked in in at least three posts. Dammmmmmitt. You are funny as usual. I do a lot of people watching out here as well but nothing beats my recent sighting of Angelyn (famous only for posting her own billboards around Hollywood and driving a pink corvette) at Whole Foods. She's nearing 70 and was sporting short shorts with fishnets and a tube top. Hot hot hot!

  20. Anonymous1:21 AM

    Hey, that was me at the supermarket, and lay off the chocolate egg.

    That was Tom Cruise's baby in there, lady.

    (I'm off to vote!)

  21. I loved Murderball and thought it should have beaten the feathers off of the penguins, but that's just me. I think it's so cool that you can interview Mark Zupan. Loved him!

    Loved your trip to the grocery store. Honestly, you make anything seem more fun.

    Big wave from SEW!

  22. oh GAWD, couples who dress alike make me gag!!

  23. Do I get an "I just voted" sticker?

    Maybe the couple who dressed alike were really twins who never outgrew that cutesy/disgusting trend where parents dress their clone children in matching outfits so people will say, "Awwwwww" but really want to gag up their lunches. How's THAT for a run-on sentence?

  24. Ooh, if you figure out how to post video for us, I'll be knocking at your (virtual) door to find out how you did it! I've been dying to know but haven't bothered to research it.

    I was trying to think of any wackos I saw while out this weekend but as soon as I remembered that I had to stop into The Evil Wal-Mart for an out-of-season fan, my brain short-circuited from all of the visions of Crazy People. It was so awful.

    Well, here's to hoping "More Things Happen" because I love reading your stories!

  25. you have my vote Jess. Which Chinese restaurant do you go to? We went to the one by Target (and I think Pick n Save maybe?) on saturday night. I still don't know my way around your nice city worth a pimple on a nit. I like that restaurant you can see from the highway, but everytime I go there I puke... so we've discontinued that one. Must be msg or some other odd thing they toss in there!

  26. I have a Costco and "those" people you were talking about, must shop there as well. ~sigh~

    Especially crazy lady with a chocolate egg.

    Okay done and done. You've been voted on and I WANT to read your book girl, so let me know what's going on with that. ~wink~

  27. i voted! And what's wrong with matching NASCAR jackets?

    blech! :)

  28. That's it, I'm making a blog conducting surveys about cool blogs. I will have very few options, but yours will be on there every week Jess.

  29. Whoohoo, I hope you get to interview the guy. I heard about Murderball on NPR, it was apparently a great show, but no one went to see it (it didn't win the Oscar, either, there is no love for them) and I admit, I have not seen it either.