Wednesday, March 08, 2006

That "not-so-mentally-fresh" feeling

I’ve been trying to find a photograph that accurately conveys my current state of emotional and mental health, and the only picture that felt “right” was the one of the old man wearing just the Wal-Mart bag. This one’s made the rounds via email, so I won’t be posting it here. But the longer I looked at it the sadder it made me, until I actually teared up at the fact that this elderly man probably spent last Christmas under a bridge with a can of peas he’d nicknamed “Fooby.”

Then I stumbled across an ALBUM COVER that really hit the nail on the head.

This is an actual album of “amazing recordings of demons speaking through people who are possessed by them.” In case you missed it, the purveyors of these actual demon recordings have named their opus: Crying Demons Crying Demons Crying Demons. Sadly, I didn’t find this in my personal album collection. My favorite things about this picture include: a) the “those wacky demons!” expression on the model’s face; b) he’s trying to cross his eyes, but only the right one is cooperating; and c) the fact that he reminds me a little of Jimmie Walker from an early Good Times episode, and in the course of researching Jimmie Walker, I discovered that he actually hosted A Very Elimidate Christmas last year. This little nugget of trivia improved my day exponentially.

But I’m sure you prefer real-life evidence of my precarious mental state. So here’s a picture of me and my husband Andy Capp that was taken just last Sunday. I’m holding our pet wolverine, and as you can see, someone has deflated my head and made my face all crooked, like I just watched that fucking Ring video. Also, do you like my boots?

I have stumbled on a solution to my work-related insanity/crabbery, and that is to land a job where I live in an igloo and train baby reindeer to count with their cute little hooves and I only have to talk to other human beings once a year, when my barrels of supplies are delivered. Basically, I want a job where I never again will have to write a sentence like: “In response to the array of health and wellness challenges facing our students, we propose a multi-layered program that will put the fun back in physical activity and help students learn to plan for a lifetime of health.”

Doesn’t that sentence make you want to throw up everything you’ve eaten since 1985? I know it has that effect on me. I’d rather listen to Crying Demons Crying Demons Crying Demons on an endless loop than write more shit like that in 56 new ways.

Alas, I was not sired by Bill Gates and must work for THE MAN to maintain my freewheeling, jet-setting lifestyle and cover the cost of building my own robot army. Working for THE MAN usually entails some selling of your soul to the Crying Demons, but hey, it beats a dull stick up your nose.

Note from the author: you may have noticed more profanity in this post. This is a side effect of work-related insanity. The only known treatment is a vague, mysterious concept I have heard spoken of in hushed tones once in my lifetime: vacation time.


  1. I feel your pain. I get to write things at work that are almost as inane, but not as well put. I want a job where I get paid to write and read blogs.

    I do like the boots...sorrels? They were my favs, when I lived in the Arctic Tundra myself.

  2. Anonymous11:35 AM

    hehe that album cover rocks!!!
    I love those boots!! sooo warm!
    I hope you mental health feels better soon!

  3. I like profanity. Ummm, are you a little shy? That coat is swallowing you alive.

  4. Anonymous12:22 PM

    Hi Jess,

    I too am feeling the boredom/depression/anxiety (can you feel all those at once!) of writing a PEP grant. This sucks. I should be working on it now, but instead I'm reading your blog :)


  5. LOL.
    sorry to say it, but i benefit greatly from your current mental/emotional heath status. you crack me up!

  6. Love the picture Jess--or should I say, FLO. I simply must have that album. I know my cat is on there somewhere.

  7. that album cover is DYNOMITE!

    that picture of you is frightening me!

  8. Perhaps you can snaz up your sentence by changing it to read, "put the phun back in physical phitness? Much better, right? Okay, never mind.

    I'm also having a craptastic day at work, but for the first time ever I'm willing to admit that it's probably PMS. (Which until now I thought was a bull$hit excuse. Perhaps not.) And I was just marveling at how quickly a whole bag of peanut M&Ms can disappear in front of a cranky government worker. (It's really quite remarkable.)

    Is it 5 o'clock yet? Screw that. Is it FRIDAY at 5 pm yet?

  9. I'm right there with you. I walked into work today and instantly felt the urge to punch someone in the face! I didn't act on it but I wanted to real bad...
    love the album cover!

  10. Anonymous6:45 PM

    Do you need an assistant for the igloo job? Does it pay hourly? Are there good benefits?

    Either that or 'ditsy chick's' job where you get paid to write and read blogs.


  11. BRRRRRR! The snow is fine but man does that look cold!
    Congrats on your book. Some day maybe we'll be battling each other for "Book of the Month" or something, lol. Gotta have a dream.

  12. Your hubby's head looks flattened too. Did the two of you get run over by a snowmobile?

  13. That about sums up my emotional state now too. I can definitely relate! :-)


  14. Who did you coerce into taking that picture anyhow? And why wasn't this person afraid of a woman with a deflated head?

  15. Anonymous8:42 PM

    God, I know of what you speak. Also, work sucks. Lots.

  16. I snorted out loud when I saw that album cover; one day my husband was looking at this website full of fucked-up album covers (there are some real doozies out there, folks, and now there's all in our Webshots screensaver gallery so I get to see them several times a day) and he saw that cover. So he goes and does this search and finds tracks from the album. Fucked up shit, dude. Fucked up. (I like profanity too.)

    And the boots? Sexy!!

  17. Anonymous9:11 PM

    To paraphrase Jeff Foxworthy, "Whenever your job is getting you down and you just want to quit, remember that somebody, somewhere is working with hot tar for five dollars an hour.

    That thought never fails to help me get through another day. Because hot tar and I wouldn't do well together.

  18. LOVE the picture of you, Andy Capp and Daisy the Barking Wonderdog! She is too cute!

  19. Anonymous11:54 PM

    Daisy's just so cute. :) I think maybe we should take up a collection to get J a new hat. And I feel your pain, sistah, b/c EVERY coat I own has a too-big hood! Just b/c I have plus-size everything else does not mean my head is plus-sized!!! But look at you! You're a small girl & STILL!!! The hood's too big! Unbelievable. Or should I say crumb-believable? <--hope that made you smile, I know work is eating your life right now. :(

    Also, I am no stranger to profanity. Bring it!

  20. Anonymous7:52 AM

    someone has deflated my head and made my face all crooked, like I just watched that fucking Ring video.

    I'm sorry, but I busted a gut laughing at that one.

  21. Great pictures! :) I especially cracked up at The Ring reference - You are a riot!

    And the profanity? At bit of that is good from time to time. Quite healing actually.

  22. Anonymous8:24 AM

    Building and maintaining a robot army is more work than one might think. While they follow commands absolutely, they are not bug free. Also, they are not aware so much of one another. A maniacal "Kill him, kill him now!" command drove the robots on one another and left several weekends booked in a effort to repair the army. Sure there are some benefits: like in home drycleaning, dishwashing, vacuuming, and floor waxing but those evil red eyes just destroy those whole domestic robot feel. No, robots are not all their cracked up to be but neither are humans for that matter.

  23. Anonymous9:01 AM

    LOL at the album and your deflated head (sorry, hope that part wasn't painful.) And I'd like to come join you in your reindeer training endeavor, as long as I too can leave behind my job writing inane sentences, or fixing the mind-boggling stupidity inherent in other people's writing.

    Pretty please???

  24. Another antidote for those who can't take a vacation at this time: alcohol.

  25. May I suggest a quick trip to the sunny south, where it's going to be something like 70 today and there are daffodils? This has completely CURED my winter blahs and vague feelings of unease that surfaced around this time every year when I lived in New England.
    Plus, they have like a zillion kinds of bourbon down here! Woo!

  26. I was so interested in seeing pictures of Daisy that I didn't even read your post until this morning. I. Feel. Your. Pain. You might be a grant writer, if I'm not mistaken. And for some, oh, health related non-profit organization (just guessing.) I am getting the doc in Health Ed and Promotion and can I just tell you? There are many words and phrases I never want to hear again. Especially anything about empowerment. Or eliminating health disparities. GAH! Or "The Great Sanitation Idea." Or Rickets. Or Scurvy. Actually, I take that back. Rickets and Scurvy are super-fun to say.

  27. "I’m holding our pet wolverine, and as you can see, someone has deflated my head and made my face all crooked, like I just watched that fucking Ring video. Also, do you like my boots?" You really need a warning label on your blog. I can't keep reading this shit at work. People are beginning to wonder what's so funny about data entering.

    And WTH is up with that album cover? It's not real right? Tell me it's not real.

  28. Oh Jess. Everyone knows that "Pensive Demons" sold way more copies. I think it has Gary Coleman on the cover.

    I'm sorry you're having a shitty time - I swear my nasty mood is "virtually" contagious seeping through your ethernet. My apologies.

    Also, what the hell is wrong with my Tivo that it voluntarily records endless Korean shows but can't catch A Very Elimidate Christmas? Has it learned NOTHING about me?

  29. You crack me up, as always. You should try to put as many "buzz words" as you can in a letter like that, to the point where if one were to actually read it, it would make no sense and see what kind of feedback you received. Probably nobody would know the difference, they'd be like, wow, this is a great proposal! It might be fun.

  30. Expressive art... Feel better!

  31. Holy hell Jess. You are so funny when your angry.

    Oh and yeah that photo is "Ring-ish", although, can I just say, I love the boots and your wolverine?!


    I want that job too, only I want an inside heater and an endless supply of coffee and um, do I really have to talk to anyone once a year? can I email them?

    Love this post and while it has supplied me with endless pleasure I sure hope your "emotional" and "mental" state will get better. (Well you know, kind of.) ~wink~