Monday, March 13, 2006

How a Dull, Childless Thirty-something Spent the Weekend, as Told in Three Acts

Act One: Water City Thrill

Friday night we had dinner at Water City Grill, which has been my favorite local eatery for the past five years. They serve, in my very humble opinion, the best entrees in town … some of which are actually *looking nervously over shoulder* meatless. (This is against the law in some Wisconsin counties, so you have to be careful.) But the food is so delicious it’s like your mouth won a million dollars from the Publisher’s Clearinghouse, but without Ed McMahon stuck in your craw. Also, WCG makes three things I adore:

Martinis, martinis, and martinis. Which are so heavenly and smooth I usually have one polished off by the time dinner arrives and then I always whisper conspiratorially to J: “Honey, I’m kinda DRUNK.”

I know! Can you imagine?

Then silence falls while we devour our food with a single-minded focus and purpose that could probably qualify us for a competitive eating event. Later, we will fall asleep in front of TLC’s What Not to Wear and Log in for Love. Rockin’ good times.

That was how I spent Friday night.

Act Two: Arctic Stunkys

Saturday, I worked. (snooze blah yawn snore boo blegh zurgggg) Afterwards, I visited my parents. Thank you to everyone who wished my dad well! I’m happy to report that he was feeling chipper enough to gripe about how spectacularly unfunny SNL has gotten since the late 1970s, and also about how loud and obnoxious the musical guest Arctic Monkeys were.

I’d been looking forward to hearing them since Rolling Stone and Entertainment Weekly and Newsweek fellated them with praise in various reviews, and the band was decent enough, but I liked them the first time I heard them … when they were called Jet. And The Killers. And The Hives. And The Vines. And The Strokes. The Arctic Monkeys were like mini-Strokes, only without the partial paralysis. But I’ll give them another chance, because they used the same stage on which Ashley Simpson did her lipsync hoedown, which probably left an ugly karmic residue in the air.

That was Saturday.

Act Three: a Preview of Coming Detractions

Sunday, my mom made me oatmeal for breakfast (Yaay! Nostalgia! Happiness! Sparklies! Love!) and then I worked again (bleak dreary drudge brap boo zaaaaag) When I returned home I made “Garlicky Lima Bean Soup” for dinner, which infused the entire house with the delightful smell of bitter dog farts and onions, and then we watched the first episode of the new season of The Sopranos. *cue swelling orchestra music and chorus of hallelujahs*

And there was indeed enough profanity, dysfunction, violence, dark humor, and death to reward MOST of the endless wait. But HBO? Screw you for not giving me a “Next week, on The Sopranos” clip at the end of the show. I depend on the preview to sustain me through a week of soul-sucking work!

I tried to nurse my disappointment with HBO’s new show Bill Paxton is a Polygamist who Takes Boner Pills, but watching him try to juggle three different families in three different homes really wore me out. And there is no way these writers will get me to empathize with Chloe Sevigny’s character. Not unless they give her a new wardrobe, new hairstyle, new attitude, new head, and new voice. Or have her drown in the family pool.

I need to get a life, right? Well, don’t worry, I just ordered one. Sadly, it’s on backorder ‘til June.

So. What did you do this weekend?


  1. i'm with your dad on the SNL issue. muey sadness over the shocking lack of funniness. and i hate the bad karmic haze, gets ya every time- those damn simpsons.

    when you finally get your life in the mail, let me know if its worth the dough you forked for it... i'm in the market. :P

  2. I like the part of your weekend that included martinis. The way you wrote about them made me want to run to the kitchen to make myself one right away. I always feel glamorous while drinking a martini.

  3. My neighbors are on vacaton so I fed their dog. He appreciated it. Dogs are so predictable.

  4. Anonymous10:32 PM

    I had 3, no 4 expresso martini friday night. wait, no 3 and then another version that was minty. i think. 4 total. also steak. good times. until I got into a brief pissing match with a friend. and then I left in a huff. pissed off. And I am certain that alcohol played no role in ANY of that.

    saturday it was 60ish and sunny (a first for boston since...who knows). avoiding the gym like the plague and plaque, I went for a walk in search of a pick up soccer match. no game, so I tried to run home. And then realized "this is just stupid...the running." and walked/ran/tied my shoes a lot. When I got back home, I played it off like I had "gone for a run".
    Lying, it's what's for lunch.

    and sunday I hung out with some cute kids (which you saw).

    Loved the line, "like the mini strokes, only w/o the partial paralysis". maybe you should write for SNL. You could, and then your pop would be happy. win-win.

  5. Dahlink, anyone who knows a band called the Arctic Monkeys--let alone The Strokes, The Hives, The Itchy Rashes that Aren't Quite Hives, The Nasty Looking But Fairly Harmless Age Spots--is NOT dull.

    Dull is:

    "What did you do this weekend?"
    "Well the baby did have a good poo on Saturday."

  6. Okay. Jess. You asked for it, and soon you will see how a thirty-something mother of three can have a non-dull life!
    Friday--took the kids to the INLAWS for the entire weekend.
    Friday night--same as you--enjoyed a great meal at Catch 35, had slippery, peppery chardonnay that left a bite on the tongue, and finished off the night with an apple-martini, which gave me enough of the whoo-hah to finish off the night rather pleasantly for my husband.
    Act II--Saturday--prepped all day for a party we hosted that included a personal chef (will post the amazing, incredible menu over at Manic's later), enjoyed an evening in my own home and listened to other people tell me how nice my house is, which made me realize to be more grateful and appreciative! Then, we almost burned down the house at 1 a.m., and when the security system called to confirm we were okay, I could not remember the passcode to prevent them from sending the lights and sirens to the house.
    No major hangover. Clean up time. Relaxing walk in the 'hood with hubby, discussing that this is how it will feel to be empty nesters, and then kitchen sex before the kids came home.

    You asked the "what did you do this weekend" at the most opportune time for me to share because IT WAS A GREAT ONE!

    (AND--I started the rewrite!! Yippee!)

  7. Anonymous11:30 PM

    My new favorite SNL skit is "2 A*holes", they have them go to a different place of business every time.

    This weekend I played pool Friday night w/a friend from work, then Saturday spent 4 hours in the salon (it takes a lot of money to look this cheap), then Sunday I went to the zoo. We might have baby polar bears by next year!!! They are finally warming up to each other & doing cute stuff deliberately b/c they knew I forgot my camera.

    Glad to hear your dad made it through. :)

  8. Anonymous12:40 AM

    we didn't do anything this weekend. oh, wait, i peed in my pants at target. was that quite newsworthy?

  9. Anonymous7:06 AM

    Ha. I was just going to say how cool you were for even knowing the Artic Monkeys - let alone going out to see them. I just heard about them on Best Week Ever - that's when you know it's gotten REALLY bad.

    And, for the record, I too hate the no "preview of next week" - it's like sex with no orgasm. Not that I know what that's like or anything...

  10. Thank you, Jess Riley, for once again bringing laughter and joy to my normally suck-assy morning

  11. I agree with Jen on the "mini-strokes" line. That and the comment on "boner pills." (Shhh, I'm supposed to be working and now I have to explain what's so damn funny about manufacturing software). Thanks Jess...

  12. mini-strokes...ha!!

  13. "fellated them." Great phrase. lol.

  14. Anonymous11:37 AM

    I actually went out to a party (sure my daughter came and I was home by 9pm but darn it I went out!)

  15. Anonymous11:43 AM

    Ooh, your weekend sounds pretty fun to me. That's how boring mine was. Um... I did have some wine during a playdate Friday, and some excellent cannolis. Saturday -- ????? -- we walked around the lake near my house. Sounds industrious but it's not a big lake. Sunday we watched an excellent hockey game, although my team lost. All activities conducted with kids in tow. Zzzzzzzz....

  16. Yeah - glad you're dad's recovering nicely! I only watch SNL anymore for "Weekend Update" because that still manages to amuses me.

    P.S. - I. Hate. Horatio. Sanz.

  17. Anonymous12:21 PM

    Ha! Long ago I dubbed that comedic flop Horatio Sans-Humor. Well, yeah I know... but it's funnier than he is.

  18. Anonymous12:30 PM

    er, your weekend was quite a bit more exciting than mine. *Now* who's the "dull, childless thirty-something?"

  19. Anonymous12:59 PM

    Loved the sound effects, Jess! Your weekend actually sounded nice. Sedate can be good. Except for working. I HATE to work weekends, so I totally sympathize. What did I do with my weekend? I revised my book. Well, parts of it.

  20. Your life sounds a hell of a lot more exciting than mine, considering what not to wear is the highlight of my Friday. ~sigh~

    I'm glad your dad is getting better enough to complain. Oh and he's totally right!

    :) Oatmeal sounds yummy especially made by mom.

    I did nothing, or not much. Does going to get coffee a bazillion times count as something? LOL.

  21. Okay, I'm right there with your Dad on SNL (not to mention all of the Horatio Sanz hate expressed here).

    And yes, I too was unimpressed by those sad little "Monkeys."

    Oh, and thanks for reminding me of the yumminess that is oatmeal. I must make some for the, um, kids :-)

  22. Are you kidding?! I would about KILL for a weekend like you had! Glad your dad's better--and he's totally right about SNL.

  23. You had fun with alcohol...seriously puts my weekend of ass wiping and alphabet-singing to shame.

  24. Anonymous5:57 PM

    I'm with you on the Arctic Monkeys. Don't get it.

    Of course, these days I'm at the mercy of a playlist put together by a couple of seven and nine year old girls (think Hilary Duff and PuffyAmiYumi) so what the hell do I know.

  25. What did I do? Listened to my kids whine. I still have a headache.


  26. Anonymous10:10 PM

    My weekend was boring. On purpose. Because I didn't have to work. I was happy. Yay, me.

    Oh, and? Fellated with praise? This way with words you have is quite..startling and awesome. I am determined to fellate someone with praise this week. Just so I can say I did it.

  27. I watched my son's high school production of To Kill A Mockingbird three times...Thurs, Fri and Sat night. In exciting news, I saw a dentist re: a tooth of mine that is completely broken in half and took my son to the ER for stitches. Yay.

    On a happy note - I always associate oatmeal with my mom.

  28. Phew! If you don't show up at Riley's place early all the good comments get taken...
    Do you really live in the Water City? Is that the best they could do? In Wisconsin?
    Ever tried pomegranite(?) martinis? Your Friday made me drool a little...

  29. Anonymous6:29 PM

    Geez. It is like so uncool to be the last person to comment. (I'm going to have to set my alarm earlier next time).

    I caught the Arctic Monkeys as well. Disappointed. Not a big fan of The (insert name here) bands. Strokes, Vines, Hives, but for some reason I do like the Killers.

    I like them more than the noun/household object bands--Tool, Helmet, Filter, Fuel, and Dustbuster (Can you tell I made that last one up?)

    Of the jacked-up spelling bands, I still like Def Leppard better than Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, Staind and Puddle of Mudd. "It's got TWO D's dude!"

    And don't get me started on the numeric bands. Blink 182, Sum 41, Matchbox 20, 3 Doors Down and Haircut 100. It's just a matter of time before Jurassic 5, Maroon 5 and Five for Fighting get sued by the Jackson 5.

  30. Laundry. 10 Load of Laundry. 10 Fucking loads.

    Then I folded it all.

  31. Anonymous9:59 PM

    Hey Jess,
    It's Pa and Olga. Wendell and I are disappointed that not everyone is as familiar with our friend Olga as we are! Laura and Mary want to know when we can get together for some stick ball. They said they are NOT waiting until June either! They said they'll take the wagon to where the meeting has to be, even if it is Mankato or Nellie's place.