Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Sometimes Being Responsible Sucks

Well I certainly have taken my sweet time to update, haven't I? Here's what's been going on. First, I got the hare-brained idea into my head that we should move. To a house 45 minutes from our jobs. With the price of gas projected to keep rising, it only made sense to increase our daily commutes, right? Also, since we may want to have children in a few years (that's a MAYBE Mom and Dad!), it seemed appropriate to investigate new housing situated right on the banks of a fast-moving and potentially dangerous river popular with canoe enthusiasts.

Luckily, reason prevailed and I decided we should stay in our hovel a bit longer so we could save money. I know, it's like I slipped on a patch of wet pavement and hit my head! So we're looking at a few more years of old-timey fist-shaking when the neighbor kid screeches around our corner at 55 miles an hour blasting Lupe Fiasco.

Also, tonight I spent about eighty bajillion hours updating our investment portfolios. Because I recently learned that we've been on the Howdy Doody plan. Meaning, my head was filled with sawdust when I first set up our retirement accounts. There I was, tra-lah-lahing around in the baby pony fund when I should have been in the rabid badger fund for the last few years. Who knew?!?! Anyway, I now know more about mutual funds than I really care to. I've probably lost a dear childhood memory so my brain could clear up some space to stuff the new financial crap in. Great.

Here's another new development / bad habit I've instilled. My dog Daisy likes to wake me up in the middle of the night when the mood strikes her. Sometimes it’s to let her out to go potty, and sometimes, even though she has these meaty little hind legs that could help her clear tall buildings in a single bound, she wants me get up out of bed in order to reach down and lift Her Laziness up onto the bed. Which is a situation that would probably lead Cesar Millan to bludgeon me with a Garden Weasel.

Last night around 4 a.m. I heard her tiny harumpffh whine from the floor near the bed; sort of a whiny “Hey!” I’d been dreaming about meeting a client, only she looked nothing like herself and instead looked like the hideous computerized age-progression of a kid I’d seen hours earlier on an episode of Honey, We’re Killing the Kids! Confused in the wee hours of the morning, it took me a second to figure out what I was hearing.

And there it was again. The teeny, whiny “Hey!” I tried ignoring her, but the “Heys!” grew more insistent. Reluctantly, I slid out of bed. She dashed away. I thought I’d frightened her, so I followed her around the bed, where she crawled under the night stand. I retreated, but she dashed out to follow me. I bent over to pick her up, and she scampered away again, her blonde hair glowing in the dark.

I gave up, but there she was again; this time in full play-bow position, tail wagging.

She’d woken me up at 4 in the morning ... to play tag. When I turned around to climb back into bed, she was already curled up in my spot, grinning.

I slid in next to her and lay there uncomfortably for the next two hours composing blog entries in my head. When I got to the part where I would have written, “Miraculously, J slept through it all soundlessly” a snore exploded near my left ear.

But while I lay there staring at the ceiling I did get a chance to think of some products that could Make my Life Easier and Trigger the Premature Mailing of my AARP Card. Notably, the blanket lifter. For some reason, at five in the morning, this seemed like a fantastic idea. I was all, My feet have been crushed for too long under the tyranny of heavy blankets! The time has come to free the toes! The more I thought about it, the more my duvet felt like a softish pile of Stalins mercilessly oppressing my little piggies, and the better the idea of the blanket lifter became. I was mere seconds from rising from bed again to order what was by then the best invention EVER. Better even than the wheel, or the microchip, or salad bar sneeze guards, or jeans with just a hint of stretch in the waist.

Then luckily, I fell asleep.


  1. Hi Jess!

    I think a blanket lifter sounds marvelous. I'm a Pisces, and Pisces have very sensitive feet. I sleep with my feet outside of the blanket sometimes. To think, a blanket lifter could solve all my problems!

    Ha ha.

  2. I'd tease you about being so well trained by Daisy, but I've learned to sleep in a contorted half-ball shape so that I don't disturb the cat that prefers the area that my feet used to occupy.

  3. And here I thought you were going to have to INVENT the blanket handy that it already exists!

    Oh, those middle of the night blog annoying. They do that to me sometimes, too.

    Your dog is trying to prepare you, in case you DO have children some day. :)

  4. Okay, first of all...I LOVE the new look!

    Secondly, now I totally want a blanket lifter. Sigh.

  5. Exsqueeze me? Bacon powder? The blanket lifter prevents "the downward force that can contribute to foot drop"?? WHAT?!?

    Is it bad that I find it highlyamusing that there's a place called "Rehabmart"?

  6. Are you sure you weren't watching that American Inventor show??

    My Kipper dog has me trained in the same manner. She makes me so mad because she is able to leap onto tall beds at any other time EXCEPT 2 am.

  7. My dog Duff does the same thing, 4 in the morning too. I think they're training US. It's a doggie conspiracy.

  8. Anonymous12:17 PM

    the area the blanket lifter creates looks about the same size as your dog. Maybe it would solve your new problem. A "Dog fort".

  9. Having children, if you decide to do so, will be a breeze after having a dog that wakes up at ungodly hrs. to play tag. I'm happy you avoided real estate in an area swarming with canoe enthusiasts — I hear they're a nasty breed:)

  10. So what do you do? Sleep under that blanket but it stays up so your piggies can breathe? I'm seriously having trouble understanding exactly what it does? Like, do you get it out in the middle of the night if your toes need a breather, or is it at the end of the bed all night long as a just-in-case accoutrement?

    And it excites me to know that you're thinking of having evil spawn someday. They're wonderful. Really. Have a litter of 'em.

    Get it over with.

    Really. I.Kid.You.Not.

    Okay, really, I am kidding. I love my kids, especially my daughter ever since she christened me with a ceremony and everything, The Queen of the Butts.

  11. LOL I was JUST telling my neighbor about Cesar Milan because she's having "issues" w/her dog.

    You, and your blanket lifter crack me up!!!

  12. LMAO. The blanket lifter? Oh my, they must sell those to the elderly.

    First off I love Cesar Milan, even though I have no dogs. I figure my 3 kids are animal like enough it should count.

    Considering gas prices I think you made the right choice and I applaud you. APPLAUD.

    Hope you get some sleep Jess because living life tired sucks.

  13. Continuing on Virenda's idea about the elderly - isn't it true that menopause causes sweaty feet? There, a whole new demographic to sell to!

  14. Even though the BLANKET LIFTER is (I'm SURE) a real do-zee, I wouldn't be TOO ANXIUOS for the AARP card. 50 comes WAY TOO SOON as it is! But if I would have only know about the blanket lifter SOONER! Oh... the WASTED YEARS! ~ jb///

  15. “Miraculously, J slept through it all soundlessly”

    Yeah. I, too, wonder how that happens when Oliver's screaming at 3am and Dave's still snoring.

  16. Anonymous10:18 PM

    "She’d woken me up at 4 in the morning ... to play tag. When I turned around to climb back into bed, she was already curled up in my spot, grinning."

    Welcome to my world - with a two year old. Yeah, put off the kids a little longer ;)

  17. Ha ha! Ah, my toes are tingly just looking at that blanket lifter.

    Man, I hate those two-hour-middle-of-the-night-racing-thoughts sessions...

  18. Ha ha! Ah, my toes are tingly just looking at that blanket lifter.

    Man, I hate those two-hour-middle-of-the-night-racing-thoughts sessions...

  19. Anonymous11:12 PM

    My dog likes 3am. He sleeps either behind my butt or knees, then wakes up @ 3am to come tunneling out of the nose my hands & wrists until I pet him!!! He makes me pet him for about 10 minutes, in which he may or may not deign to give me kissies. Then he crawls over my chest & neck, and burrows down the other side of me.

    The blanket lifter sounds...weird. I never tuck anything into the bottom, so my piggies can stick out at leisure.

    Were you going to move closer *bats eyelashes*

  20. Blanket lifter! I need me one of those!

    And, uh, Howdy Doody plan. Yyyyyah...I think that's the plan I'm on right now. I need to learn more about this investing stuff, or else my golden years will be spent living in a camper in the backyard of one of my kids.

    Okay, off to bed. Sans blanket lifter. Another night to suffer through.

  21. Anonymous2:38 AM

    I, too, suffer from Claustrophobic Foot Syndrome. I keep telling my doctor that a preventative medication exists for it, but then he pats me on the head and explains, verrrry slowwwly, that my favorite brand of beer is not a preventative medication for anything.

    Harrumph. Says he.

    p.s. t'anks fer stoppin' off at me wee blug. 'tis always a pleasure ta have guests drop in. :)

  22. I just stick my feet out from under the covers...but that could work too!

    my cat wakes me up almost every damn night. he does his 'kneading' thing on my head while purring loudly and pulling out my hair. then he gets on my night stand and starts knocking shit over in the mornings when he wants us to get up and feed him. it's a miracle he's still alive really. ;)

  23. Cesar Millan is too busy deflecting the poop being thrown at him from his former PR rep to bludgeon you with a Garden Weasel... so I think you're safe.

    Sigh. A house down by the river, potential floods and all, sounds lovely.

  24. Anonymous10:04 AM

    My dog has been known to wander up to the head of the bed and stick her paw in your mouth as a way to indicate that despite the late hour she could use some attention. Ah- nothing like the fresh taste of paw in the middle of the night.

  25. Anonymous12:15 PM

    Hey, Howdy Doody is our financial advisor! Now I don't feel so bad.

    Since you know you're the one who's instilled Daisy's habit, Cesear will not whack you. (I *heart* Cesar! I want him to come to my house and fix my dog.) Besides, by waking you in the wee hours, she's actually doing you a favor. So, let her continue to do this every night and by the time you have a baby, wee-hour waking won't be a shock to your system. Maybe.

    I don't like all the blankets on my feet, either. But with me, it's more of a heat issue than anything. (My husband says my hands and feet are "freakishly" hot. However, they are not sweaty, thank the Lord.) So, I sleep with one foot in and one foot out--to balance out the temperature.

  26. Anonymous12:34 PM

    Jess, when you come home from your June vacation, Daisy will be completely trained. You know Dad & I say beds are not for animals; they are for sleeping and that other thing you don't like to envision when it comes to your parents. So anyway, Daisy will be relegated to the back hall with her old lady cousin, Suka. Fortunately, Dad & I, being upstairs on the other side of the house, will not hear her "heys." And if you really care about her, don't forget to bring along her bark collar -- or I hate to think what Dad may do on the 300th time she barks when he moves (since she has that additional little habit of barking at men). We won't be spoiling Daisy; we're saving that for grandbabies.

  27. Anonymous12:38 PM

    And another thing -- about that blanket lifter: I sigh to think that I've raised a daughter who's older than me. It seems like something an old person would use. I prefer to sleep in a fetal position, so my toes are fine. Also, since I still fear the monster under the bed, I don't dare let a foot slip outside the covers.

  28. Welcome back! I should actually take a lesson from you and STOP updating for a few days while i get my ever-messy life and finances in order. Will? What's a will? I think it's this thing you're supposed to have when you have a kid but dunno...haven't really had the time to find out. Too busy reading blogs.

  29. I must know where you found the blanket lifter. Seriously.

    I guess I could not be lazy and just google it.

    Where has that thing been all my life?

  30. This is so funny. Just last week I was annoyed that I couldn't lay on my back in bed because the blankets were crushing my feet. WTF?! Good thing I didn't know about this otherwise an impulse purchase would have been made.

    Hi from Brewtown! *waves*

  31. Anonymous2:12 PM

    Yeah, we've got the four year-old trained well too. She comes into our room every night about 2am and thumps on the side of the mattress until I wake up and grumble as I try to figure out how to get her in the bed without getting out from under the covers or straining something as I lift her from my horizontal position. I think I'd rather play tag with Daisy.

    Thank you for the kick in the arse - I need to actually invest all of my old 401K dollars. Any stock tips?

  32. Anonymous9:39 AM

    OMG, this is so funny. The blanket thing--how's it working for ya? I totally identify with the investment thing. An old fund from an old job kept was totally stagnating. I finally called the old investment guy to say I wanted it transferred to my new guy for underperformance. He proceeded to give me ten reasons (all my fault) why the fund wasn't up to snuff...Geezus...